Choosing Reconciliation

Episode #60

Forgiveness takes one but reconciliation takes two. Coming off of our last episode on forgiveness we needed to tackle the issue of reconciliation. Just like forgiveness, reconciliation is a choice. In today’s episode, we define reconciliation as well as discuss when we should reconcile a relationship and when we shouldn’t. Don’t forget to subscribe and share this episode with a friend.


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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
You’re listening to the rise up and shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley. As an empty nester and a mom with young kids, we have both shared very similar and very real struggles. From chaos to coaches, we now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise up and let your light shine bright. This is the rise up and shine podcast.

Claudine
Welcome back friends. Today we are talking about reconciliation. Last week, we talked about forgiveness. And we noted that there can be some confusion. So we thought we would do an episode just on reconciliation, just to make sure that we’re all clear. And we have practicals to help us if there’s a need to do that. So restoration or so reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship to harmony. So forgiveness is a choice we make to release others from our punishment. We talked about that last week. But reconciliation is actually restoring the relationship so you can forgive someone and not necessarily restore the relationship. Or you can forgive someone and restore the relationship. So that is what we’re talking about today.

Ashley
Yeah, yeah, Claudine, this is going to be a great one, I’m going based off of last week’s forgiveness episode, this is great, because there can be reconciliation in a relationship. And sometimes, as you said, there may not be reconciliation and a relationship and distinguishing between the two. You know, as we mentioned, last episode, and he, you briefly mentioned about forgiveness is really letting ourselves move on and heal from whatever pain we experience, whatever the circumstance brought us. And reconciliation is that choice of wanting to continue this relationship? And let’s, let’s resolve what is going on. And let’s get both back on the same page, because we are both invested in this relationship. So we can move on and grow from this and have a healthy relationship. And really, it’s a choice just as forgiveness as a choice. reconciliation is a choice. You know, I mean, I can think of many times, even in my marriage, where I felt Well, I I automatically forgive just because I love you. But I’m not ready to reconcile. Right? I don’t want to reconcile right now. Let me be in my misery for a little while. And it’s really important, it’s important to take a look at well, who does that really affect? Yes, it affects the other person, but really, it greatly affects yourself. And I think it’s important for us to share this with our listeners, because there are times where it just kind of has become a habit and a pattern. And we don’t always stop to think you know what, maybe I can actually consciously choose a different route and consciously choose to reconcile. So that way we can have a relationship restored, you know, because especially if you’re living with the person, or you see each other on a regular basis, whether it’s family, a co worker, whoever it may be a child, a roommate, whoever it may be, if you’re in constant contact with that person, and you need to be, of course, you’re going to want to reconcile, that is going to be the healthier option for everybody involved. But it’s going to be great today to share with our listeners steps on how to do that. And again, kind of talking the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. And again, if you missed last week’s episode, on forgiveness, make sure you go back and listen to that, because this is a great second part to this topic. Right?

Claudine
Well, and it’s great that we are differentiating it because I know for me when I was a young Christian, I didn’t see a difference. So if someone hurt me, I thought I had to just allow them back into my life. Right? Sometimes that’s where we can think that if I’m a Christian or Christian woman, that I’m a doormat, because people can treat me any way they want to, and I just have to forgive them. And like you said, forgiveness is a choice. And it’s really releasing us from the pain involved and really releasing the offender from punishment that really God’s gonna give not up to us to give. But reconciliation is also a choice. It’s a decision to restore the relationship. And sometimes you can forgive someone and it might not be appropriate. It might not be healthy, to reconcile with them, right? Absolutely. In a lot of relationships, like family or coworkers will sometimes it’s super important to reconcile, especially if you’re gonna see someone every day, but there are also times where to have healthy boundaries, right where you don’t want to let someone that could be a toxic relationship, to continue to have that effect on you. You can forgive them regardless for the behavior, right? But you don’t necessarily have to reconcile. Because reconciliation, it does take two and you said that last week, you know, forgiveness takes one, but reconciliation takes two. And so, you know, there’s a lot of times in our lives where we’re gonna have to forgive on a continual basis. I mean, even Christians, we have to forgive each other. I mean, we still hurt each other, we still fall short and do or say things that hurt people’s feelings.

Ashley
Oh, my gosh, yes. Aren’t we all imperfect? folks? We’re all imperfect. Remember that?

Claudine
Yes. So I know that I need forgiveness. And I know I need to extend it. And I hope that in those relationships, there can be reconciliation. I had a situation last year actually very close friend. I may have shared this earlier on a different episode. But I had a really close friend, and she felt like I had betrayed her. I had laid out some information that she had specifically asked me not to share, and I was really cautious. And I felt like I hadn’t shared it. But I made it known to someone else that I knew. And so you know, in that respect, my friend felt that I had betrayed her secret or not, her secret wasn’t secret was just information that no one was to know yet. And I kind of let it out of the bag that I knew. And so I’m so grateful because she respected our relationship enough to pull me aside and say, Hey, I need to talk to you about this situation. And of course, I felt terrible. You know that I bet my friend felt betrayed. But she wanted to reconcile. She wanted to make sure that our relationship was filled with Unity and Harmony, and not just swept under the rug because she could have right she could have just thought, Well, I’m sure Claudine didn’t mean anything by it. But the truth of it is, it would have been there, it would have been in the back of her mind well, right, creamy that one time, I don’t know if I totally trust her. So it was a great opportunity for both of us to talk it through. And she understood why I said what I said, I understood why she felt how she felt and our relationship was stronger than ever after that, because now there was this trust that if anything happens, we’re not going to sweep it under the rug, but we’re going to bring it to each other immediately. And so for me, it made me feel really secure in that relationship. So not that we need to come up to everyone, all our friends, every little thing, you know, you looked at me funny yesterday, and I feel really hurt. I don’t mean that.

Ashley
You didn’t like my post you didn’t. I didn’t get this emoji was this? Or do you have an attitude with me or what? We really can sometimes.

Claudine
Yeah, we really can. But it’s so important. You know, as Christians, God is the originator reconciliation, he did everything to reconcile us to him. And again, it’s a two way street like, right, given us Jesus, but we have to respond to enter into that restored relationship with Him to be in unity with him and in harmony with him. And so as Christians, we need to extend that to those in our life to be willing to reconcile. In Romans 12:18 it says if it is possible, as far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone. And I love that because it really makes it clear that it is on us to try and live at peace with everyone. But it also says as far as it depends on you sometimes if the other person isn’t willing to reconcile or isn’t willing to take the steps for a healthy reuniting of a relationship. Then we’ve done all we can do.

Ashley
Claudine. Yeah. So this is something that I had to really understand on a deeper level, the reconciliation I mean, you you made such a great point with our Jesus came so we can have reconciliation with God and our relationship and restore that relationship back to how it was supposed to be from the beginning. And we can take that mindset into every relationship we have, you know, and if you mentioned something earlier, way back earlier, since we started this episode, that’s been jingling in my mind, I’m like, Oh, my gosh, I want to hit on this point, and you said boundaries. So one thing I had to learn that I want to share with any listener who can relate to this. Just because you are holding, yes, we want to strive for reconciliation. However, it’s okay to have boundaries in establishing a relationship. It does not mean all or nothing. It does not mean we’re either going to be friends or not, you know, I mean, it means I can still have this person in my life, but to a certain extent, maybe we’re not going to be best friends. And as a Christian woman, I struggled with that because As you read that scripture, you know, make every effort to live at peace with everyone. I thought, well, we all need to get along and have a great relationship and be best friends. And it took some rude awakenings in my life and in certain experiences I went through, to realize that that’s not reality. That’s not what this scripture is saying, I don’t have to be this person’s best friend, I don’t have to be the doormat or the fixer in their life or you know, the codependent one, and I’m going to make your life easy, or I don’t, you know, all these things that I wrestled with, I don’t have, I don’t have to be those things for you. Because it’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to love you, and to live at peace with you. But it’s also their choice to live at peace with me. And if they don’t, then that’s their choice. That’s just how our relationship is going to be. It’s not, it’s not something that I need to put on my shoulders, as my as my job to oh my gosh, I need to do whatever I can to make this person happy. And being a codependent, that is what we do, we strive to make the other person happy. And it really took such a toll on my mental health and my emotional health and many women out there. And I just wanted to hit that home that the boundaries, it’s I have people in my real life, I have people in my life that I need to see on somewhat of a regular basis. But I don’t have to be their closest friend. You know, it is okay to be an acquaintance. It may still be loving still be is with them. Don’t cry about them. Don’t you know, make certain choices. But you just don’t have to strive to be best friends with everybody. And that was really hard for me.

Claudine
Yeah. Me as well, me as well, that all or nothing thing. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal and it’s like I’m either all in or all out, which is not healthy.

Ashley
That’s right. And as you said, right. And as you said last episode with forgiveness, you tended to cut people out, got hurt. Well, that’s not reconciliation.

Claudine
No, that’s the opposite.

Ashley
You think about what kind of relationships do you want to have? What right? How do you want your life to be? What kind of friends do you want to surround yourself with? Do you want to keep cutting people out? And I know people who do and I can do that as well. And I, I tend to cut people out because I’m the victim. So and I think, oh, they don’t like me anymore. They don’t care about me anymore. And those are the thoughts that I play in my head. So I don’t go to reconcile because it’s uncomfortable. It’s conflict. Many of us, most of us humans, our brains do not want conflict. Right? So we’re not going to go, Oh, I’m going to go solve this. And I’m going to go talk with this person. Sure. I’m sure there’s a small percentage of people out there who really don’t mind the conflict. I am not one of them. I will avoid, but I’ll play, I’ll play the story in my head, right? I’ll forgive them. Or I’ll forgive myself, sometimes it’s been something that I did that I needed to apologize for. But I will distance myself because in my brain, my mind will tell me that, well, I hurt their feelings. They don’t want to be my friend anymore. Right? So I was kind of the opposite. And I would be lonely. You know, and and they’re probably wondering what’s going on? What’s wrong with Ashley? How come she doesn’t text or call me anymore? Meanwhile, I’m sittimg home. Yeah, I’m sitting home playing that story in my head on the couch all alone. But you think about it, right lady? So think about that. How are my relationships? You know, have. Have there been situations that have happened in a close friendship even? Or with a family member? That really we can reconcile? And most likely they want to reconcile, but I didn’t give it a chance.

Claudine
Yeah, that’s a great. That’s a great point. And you know, we are meant to be in harmonious relationships, we are created to be in relationships, we are created to love and to be loved. But you know, being human is hard. It’s really hard. Some days, it’s harder than others. But we’re all going to have some relationships that are broken by something one way or another. Whether it’s a small, you know, betrayal or broken trust or something major. I mean, some of us have had major, major things happen to us in our lives. And it’s a lot easier said than done to forgive and to reconcile, but yet it’s still a calling to forgive. And one of the things when you talk about broken relationships and the stress, you talked about the anxiety and there have been studies done that when you know we have broken relationships or there’s a lack of forgiveness, then it leads to stress and depression and anxiety in a weakened immunity. And I read this really interesting article where one doctor did some research and of cancer patients he was treating 61% Some of them had forgiveness issues. And I thought, Oh my gosh, that really affects your health doesn’t mean it caused the cancer. But it was interesting that 61% of them had forgiveness issues. And when you have chronic anxiety, you know, you’re producing excess adrenaline and cortisol, and those deplete the production of the natural killer cells that help us fight these diseases. And more than ever, now, as we’re still in a pandemic, we have to keep our immune systems as strong as possible and keep our mental health, our well being our emotional well being our spiritual well being. And if we have broken relationships, and don’t make an attempt to reconcile if the other person is willing, but the very least to forgive, it really affects our health. And that’s powerful. So that yet another reason to forgive and to reconcile.

Ashley
And it’s really important to keep that in mind right now, because we’ve all been isolated to a certain extent. I mean, there are some people who still go to work. But we aren’t going out socially, you know, we’re not really allowed to, and we keep getting these restrictions put on us and then lifted and then back on and we don’t know what to do, can I go to a restaurant today? What can I do? Can I meet a friend. And so we’ve resorted to these zoom calls, and you know, but they’re just not the same in our relationships. But right, because of this pandemic, and almost coming up to a year now. Oh, my gosh, it’s so crazy to say that, but it’s almost coming up to a year now, since this whole thing started. Imagine how easy it is now to isolate ourselves, when we experience something, you know, hurt feelings, or some sort of conflict that arose in a relationship or, you know, what, I don’t have to see the person, so I don’t have to reach out, you know, and reconcile. And wait, I’m just gonna move on, it’s not a big deal, because I’m not going to see that person for who knows how long. And if you think about that, you think about well, I’m forgiving, and I’m moving on? Well, in theory you are, but those emotions and those thoughts follow you. They’re not going anywhere, if you’re not actually trying to reconcile, and you know, your heart is to just walk, like you said, sweep it under the rug, just try to forget about it. It doesn’t work that way we try. And as humans, we try because when, you know, in our earlier years, that was kind of just the way of doing things as well just move on, just move on. And especially when there’s going to be those relationships where we may not have the chance to reconcile. I mean, that’s a kind of a different story here. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you do have the chance, you know, don’t isolate yourself, because it’s only going to hurt you. Yes, it hurts the relationship. Of course some more, but it’s really only going to hurt you internally, because you’re the one that has to sit with those emotions and those feelings. Yeah. Gosh, well, if only I said sorry. Or if only I said, Hey, it kind of hurt my feelings when you did this. It can sometimes take something like a five minute conversation. I mean, really. You know. And then and then it’s done. And then you actually do feel good, and they feel good. And that relationship is restored. Sometimes we can get so hung up on these silly things. Well, he said, or she said, and you know, that we can get hung up on that. And like, Well, I’m not gonna be the one to reach out. I’ve done that on my marriage. I just talked with you earlier about that. I’m like, I don’t want to reconcile right now.

Claudine
I’m gonna talk about it, but I don’t want to do it.

Ashley
I know how ironic that that is our you know, our, our episode for today, doesn’t mean that it’s not easy. I mean, it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It’s sometimes it’s hard, even in a relationship where I love and adore my husband so much. But there’s just times where I want to feel justified in how I feel, he needs to be the one to come apologize he needs to be. And then when you sit and think about, Okay, come on, like really be the bigger person. Do you really want to go a week or two weeks? living like this living in this, you know, environment and like, we’re just, you know, cold shoulder and separate corners of the house? No, that’s not really what I want to do. I think I want to do that because I want to feel like I want to feel my I want to feel validated for my feelings. Right? But in the long run, that’s not, that’s not reconciliation.

Claudine
It’s not healthy. Yeah. And especially you have two young children at home. So they’re watching and learning, you’re modeling for modeling reconciliation. So, you know, our children are all grown and out of the house. So we could do that. But like I’ve shared with you before my age, I’m just too tired to fight like, I forgive you. Okay, let’s reconcile. So let’s talk about some of the steps to reconciliation because we know that it’s important for health reasons, mental, emotional, spiritual health. Important, God calls us to live at peace, as it depends on us. So we know it’s something, it’s his heart. It’s what how he wants us to live. So we’ve talked about the first step, which is forgiveness. So there has to be forgiveness, if someone has done an offense to us has sinned against us or hurt us in some way. The first step is forgiveness, either way, or if we’re the offender, there has to be forgiveness, the other person has to be willing to forgive us, or we have to be willing to forgive the other. So the next step in reconciliation is having to willing hearts two people have to want to be reconciled. And so you can have forgiveness. But if one party doesn’t want to reconcile, then you don’t have to willing hearts. So the third step is taking responsibility. And this is a big one, this is where the rubber starts to meet the road here, because you can have two people that want to have a relationship, and there’s been forgiveness, and they both want it. But no one’s taking responsibility for anything. And that’s where we start having problems. I was talking to a friend recently, that was having a disagreement with their partner, and they just felt like no one, they weren’t taking responsibility. The other person wasn’t taking responsibility. They were just shoving it back at them. Well, you will, you will, you will, there’s no way we’re going to be restored to harmony and unity, when neither person is taking responsibility. And even even for me, like with my friend that, that I betrayed, I took responsibility right away. But she took responsibility in that she was told not to say anything. And she said it to me. And it was very humble of her to say, you know, I told you because we’re so close, but I was asked not to and I shouldn’t have. So she owned her little tiny part in it, even though it really wasn’t her. And I think of another situation where I’ve been the betrayed one, where there’s been forgiveness on my part, but there’s not been a willing heart and the person has taken zero responsibility. And so it’s very hard, you can’t have a relationship with someone that won’t even take responsibility for their actions. So that’s important to know that that’s part of the steps of reconciliation. Another step is really having a heart change, or, you know, repentance, we talked about that really turning away from the behavior, just having a heart change. And I’m not going to do that again. And that’s part of setting boundaries if we’ve been betrayed by someone, and let’s say they’ve even taken responsibility for it. But if they continue to do it, there hasn’t been a heart change. That’s gonna be a problem. We’re gonna keep having issues. And that’s kind of something you and I were talking about earlier, there has to be a heart change, like, Okay, I see how this hurts you, I see how this offends you. This is my offense. I don’t want to keep doing that anymore. How can we find a solution where there’s real change here, and it’s not about being perfect, because we’re never going to get there. And none of us are ever going to be perfect, but it is a change. It is a turn from the behavior that has offended like if I had gone with my friend who has since been more careful about telling me things, but if but has taught me some things, if I turned around and gone and let it out of the bag, I think that would have been bad. Like we had reconciled. But I think now there might be less chance of reconciliation. She might have still forgiven me. But I think the closeness the harmony, and the unity in the relationship would have been hurt.

Ashley
Yes. And I was actually gonna point that out as well. Claudine. Like, what do you do? Because some of our listeners might be wondering, Well, what do you do when that person keeps repeating the offense? You know, when they keep doing the same thing over and over a second, we’ve talked about this, and I’ve told you how I feel and why do you keep doing it? And and as you said, yes, it definitely does take a heart change, for sure. And I bring this up, because especially in relationships where like, our marriage, you know, I mean, that’s the right one for myself, which is kind of what I’m referring to, but it can go with other relationships that, you know, family, people that are in our lives for good. Right, but thinking about, okay, we’ve had this conversation, we’ve talked about this for 15 years of our marriage, 30 years of our marriage, why does this keep happening? And I’m not talking about those big things that are anything like abuse or neglect or nothing like that. That’s not what I’m talking about. Here. I’m talking about just Well, when you do that, that always hurts my feelings, and you’re not, that’s not my need. And you know, those those smaller things that really aren’t so extravagant, but still hurtful. And we can feel and I’ve gotten there in my marriage. You know, fortunately, I’ve learned so much over the last three years where I have, I see the awareness and I see the choices I have. And it has really changed our marriage for the better. But there are times where you feel like, gosh, we’ve talked about this over and over and over and they’re not changing. They’re not changing, but keeping in mind that They love me. They’re trying their best. They are right, because I am Emperor. Right. And yes, we may just need to talk about it again. Maybe we do.

Claudine
Yeah. I think that’s that that’s part of it. Definitely. If there’s the willingness to go, Wow, I’m really sorry, I hurt you, I know I did. Again, we are going to keep hurting each other, especially in marriage, you know, you have two sinners living under one roof, it’s just going to happen over and over and over again. And depending on the day, I know, there’s some days, I’m a little more snippy. And it has nothing to do with my husband. You know, I’m just stressed, or I’m just feeling whatever I’m feeling that day, and maybe be a little short with him. And that’ll hurt his feelings. And he certainly has talked to me about that before. But it really had nothing to do with him. But then I’m like, yep, you’re right. You’re right. I and it helps me to take a look at where am I at Gosh, I’m feeling really stressed today, or I’m feeling really isolated today. Or it helps for me to, to get a pinpoint on what my true need is. So a lot of times it’s that for each person to go, where am I at that I’m still doing this because I don’t want to do this. Mm hmm. And then for me for, for my husband and I, we’ve had the opportunity over the 30 years, 30 plus years, when we’re stuck. Now you’re talking about being stuck. When there’s a pattern that keeps repeating itself, then it’s time to involve a third neutral party, whether it’s a pastor, a church, or a counselor, or coach or a trusted friend, someone a third party that might have neutral eyes that might be able to untangle the little, little little ball of string because I think we can get so stuck in our own patterns. That that we can’t even see clearly. Yeah, for what the other person needs. I know for me, that’s been huge. I get so stuck and seeing things through my eyes, right? Because who else’s eyes, am I gonna see him? It’s a concentrated effort to really step out of my own mind, my own body, my own experience and go, Okay, how is this? How is this for him? How is he taking this information or this experience in stepping out of it? That really helps me then connect with, okay, this is his knee, this is what he needs and, and be what I need to be. And the same with him, like help him. We’ve had some great talks, we’ve been driving a lot, obviously, because we’re commuting still from Northern California in Southern California. So we have that five, five and a half hour drive. So we have a lot of talks. And it’s been good to really gain an even deeper understanding of each other, even though we’ve been together. 30. Gosh, we’re gonna celebrate 33 years in July, which is crazy, but true. So anyway, so yeah, so definitely, I think sometimes there is a time if we’re stuck, we might need a mediator, we might need a third person to help us along these steps. And the final step is really rebuilding trust. And that’s part of seeing the change behavior. So there has to be a rebuilding of trust. And trust is not a feeling. It’s not like well, I trust you today, right? Because our feelings change. They change moment to moment, they change day to day. I mean, yesterday morning, I was like, feeling low and blue. by afternoon I was feeling upbeat chipper and then by nighttime, I was feeling kind of eh, again, you know, it just changed all day long. I’m like, Okay, my circumstance. I’m pretty aware of my thoughts, what is going on, I thought, stress and fatigue and, but rebuilding trust is huge. And so the person who did the offense who did the betrayal or the hurt, they have to consciously work on rebuilding trust. And it’s not a feeling it’s actions, it has to be seen. Like for me in for instance, with my friend, I was really careful about being rebuilding trust by not saying anything to anyone, like being really careful, like, even something that was not something I was told not to say. Right, right. You know, I just can’t speak to that.

I’ll have to call them directly and ask him I was like, you know, I really wanted to make sure I stayed within the lines, because I valued my relationship. And I wanted us to be in harmony, unity. So the trust isn’t action, you know, it’s not a feeling why trust you today, right? Oh, I don’t know, that would be very unstable. So those are the steps to get to reconciliation. And over the years, I mean, like I said, and like I said last week, my friends from high school or my early adulthood, when they would hurt me, I would just cut them out. And I remember one situation, it was a pretty severe betrayal. Like one of the worst things, you know, my opinion someone can do to a friend. And I remember several years later, she sent a letter asking for forgiveness and all that. Yeah, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. And I still had so many narratives in my head. Like you were saying earlier I had this whole story and I was the victim. How could she do something like this after I had done for her, and so I just took the letter and threw it away, like looking back now, I would never do that. But that’s who I was, you know, my early 20s. Like, I just wasn’t ready. I’m like, Nope, can’t forgive, can’t do that. But she made every effort to reconcile by writing a very heartfelt, very apologetic letter explaining her behavior and all that, and I was not ready. So I was unwilling hard at the time, and just threw the letter away. And so you know, that was 30 years ago. So God only knows what happened. But again, I wouldn’t do that today. But that is how I behaved 30 years ago, and honestly had nothing to do with her. So her narrative could be, Wow, she doesn’t care, she hates me or that it just was, I’m just not ready. I don’t trust it. Trust was so broken, I didn’t understand the concept of rebuilding trust and all that I was an all or nothing kind of guy. were either all in or you’re all out, she was all out.

Ashley
Yeah. And you know, when you think about it, when you sit and stew, or what we like to call ruminate and play that story over in your head. The longer you do that, the harder it is to reconcile, right, the harder it is to even want to try to attempt reconciliation, you know, because you’re just sitting and stewing in your own feelings and thoughts. And it’s just swirling around, and you’re building yourself up to Well, I was the one that was hurt here, and I shouldn’t go to them, they need to be the one to come to me and apologize. And, and most likely, that doesn’t happen. You know, sometimes they don’t know, they may have hurt you. Maybe it’s unintentional. Other times, they might just be in a bad place. And they’re struggling, or maybe they’ve never been taught. There’s so many different reasons. But yeah, you hurt yourself. When you sit in that place. It’s okay to sit in your emotions and feel the pain and feel the hurt and the sadness. But it’s very important to be careful what we’re telling ourselves, we can’t sit and play that victim and stay the victim because we’re a victim. We were the one hurt, you know, from the other person’s offense. And it’s just a matter of circumstance, sometimes, you know, and it’s what we do with it. So it’s really important to be aware. And again, we talked about awareness a lot, because power, the neural pathways that you have paved in your brain, is caused by what you’re thinking, you know, what patterns of thinking you stick to. And if you stick to I’m the I’m the one hurt, and they need to do this and that and you know, I didn’t do anything wrong, or whatever. I mean, there’s a million different things that could Yeah, that’s going on in your head. But when you keep playing that over and over on repeat in your head, those are the thinking patterns you’ve created in your brain is like, Okay, this is our normal way of thinking, this is a general pass, right? That I have set out. And you know, that’s exactly how you’ll keep thinking. And anytime you see that person is going to trigger again, those same thoughts, and that’s gonna be the way that’s gonna lead you to how you feel emotionally, it’s going to lead you to your behavior. So it’s very crucial to remember because I mean, I did this in certain relationships. Ironically, I would say, these types of people keep following me in my life. Like, no, it’s not like they’re following. Yeah, yeah, it’s, it’s my pathways, my neural pathways that I have paved in certain relationships, that I’ve had the same way of thinking. And then it would cause me to feel the same feelings. And then I would back off and isolate and withdraw and be hurt, you know, and be this victim. And I took away my own power. Because I was sitting in this place of I’m the one hurt and you offended me, you hurt me. And so that’s how I lived my life. And in my relationships, it would be the same thing. You hurt me. I’m the one that should be here. be sad.

Claudine
Right. Right. And sometimes.

Ashley
Do I want to live that way? Really?

Claudine
No. And sometimes you have to wonder why someone doing something to hurt us. I mean, are they just hurting themselves, then as a friend, I would want to be compassionate, because we know hurting people hurt others. So it’s the friend that would go, gosh, you you know you really snapped at me. Are you okay? Have that compassion for them? And the other part is to I do anything like you know we do have to stop and ask ourselves, was there anything in my behavior that could cause them? Maybe I triggered them, you know, maybe they responded that way because it was something in me. So it goes both ways. But I think it’s important that we talked about reconciliation today. differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation, and really see the importance we want to stay healthy mentally, physically, spiritually. We want to have relationships that are harmonious and unified and just be able to live life to the full it’s hard to rise up and shine if you’ve got a trail of broken relationships behind you.

Ashley
Right? That’s right. Thank you everyone for tuning in with us today. And don’t forget to subscribe and share this episode with someone you love somebody you know that he can help benefit you guys this was such a great episode. I know I’m gonna go back and listen to it a few times. But thank you again for joining us and don’t forget to check us out also at mindoverchaos.com and claudinesweeney.com and tune back in with us next week.
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