Rise Up & Shine Podcast

Two women from different stages of life come together to talk about the struggles we all face. Out of the darkest moments of our lives we have found our way out and into peace, joy and a fulfilled life. Now, we have embarked on a journey to share our stories with you. Real, raw, and faith-filled conversation about our trials and triumphs. Bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that, you too, can rise up and let your light shine bright.

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Episode #47

We all experience disappointment. It's a fact of life. No one can evade the challenges that life gives us. How we handle disappointment, however, dictates our life. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Have you ever asked yourself, "How do I handle disappointment?" Most of us tend to cope in order to ignore or numb the disappointment we face. In this episode, we talk about specific ways to deal with disappointment as it comes your way so you can rise above it and shine your best!




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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
This is Episode 47 dealing with disappointment. Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Welcome back listeners. I've got a quote for us today. Bless it is she who expects nothing for she shall never be disappointed. And today on episode 47, we are talking about disappointment. It is something that each and every one of us has faced in this life. And disappointment can range from Oh, well to Oh, bummer to Oh, no, my heart is in my stomach. It's on the floor, we had all experienced that range of disappointment. So Ashley, tell me do you have an example of a disappointment? You want to share? That is?

Ashley
Hashtag 2020.

Claudine
The whole year?

Ashley
Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, this year is really wild. I mean, it really is wild. Anybody we talk to Okay, yeah, label this year, the same? You know, from the same viewpoint is we've started this year off. Remember, we started this podcast. Last November were my a year, which is very exciting. And at the beginning of the year, we talked a lot about goals, a lot about goals, dreams, what are we wanting to do for 2020? What are we wanting to accomplish? Who are we wanting to be for the year and it didn't really seem to take off very well. Right? It didn't last long. You know, I mean, it just, we it, I don't know, it's just by the time summer, no, by the time the pandemic came, and then all the other things that followed it is it's just a lot of disappointment this year, you know, align goals not reached a lot of things that we wanted to do, or how we wanted our relationships to be or areas we wanted to grow and just not happening, you know, and they're definitely a lot of disappointment. I know, even with moms who are home doing the virtual learning the distance writing, you know, whatever you call it in your district, but that's been a challenge, because it's not the same. You know, I mean, we try to do the best we can, whether you're working or whether you are home, a stay at home mom able to be home with your kids, but it's very different than what we typically expect. And so there's a lot of disappointment that we're all experiencing right now just in that area even

Claudine
well, and that's exactly it. We all have expectations, that's kind of normal, right? Whether we set goals, or we have expectations for ourselves, for others for outcomes in our lives. And when those expectations aren't met, we feel disappointed. And disappointment is a form of sadness. It's a form of loss. And it can be small or large, like we've talked about before. But when we have an expectation, we think that something or someone will make us happy. And then when it doesn't happen, we feel disappointed, right? And if it goes on and on, if we linger in disappointment, if we really ruminate over disappointment, it can turn into depression. And that's why we wanted to talk about this today, because you're right this year has been full of disappointment. I mean, for a lot of moms like you that have school aged children, there was probably an expectation that they would return to school in the fall, or at least right now.

Right here we are well into the fall. And it's still virtual learning, at least here in California. We've had goals, like you said, we had business goals and things took a turn. I mean, we started the year off with a really strong workshop live in person with great turnout and great feedback. And we're planning to go that direction and then everything was shut down. So we haven't been able to do that. And that was one of our goals. Right? So disappointment is just part of life. And like that quote said if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed. But who goes through life without expectation? That's just not realistic. That would be really boring. Yeah. Imagine never expecting anything, like even as small as going to the grocery store and finding ripe tomatoes. I mean, that's silly, but you would expect that you can go the grocery store and find ripe tomatoes. Hmm, that's an Oh, well, that's not a no bummer. Or oh my gosh, my life is over tight, right kind of disappointment. But so yeah, there's all kinds of disappointments, all kinds like I currently have not sold my house in Southern California.

Ashley
And how long has it been listed now.

Claudine
It's been five months, so I'm disappointed. Now the crazy part of it is we're both licensed real estate agents. So the whole narrative going on with that. And we're watching houses around us sell and of course until we sell we can't buy up here in Northern California, so it's really I've passed the expectation, in fact, was just talking with friends and realized all my fall winter clothing and shoes are packed up in storage, because we never thought it would be this long

Ashley
Cause you did expect. That it would sell by now.

Correct.

Lust like you expected the pandemic to last two weeks.

Claudine
I know, seven months into it. But yes, so disappointment just part of life. But today, we want to talk about it because what happens in the brain is neurotransmitters are released. And in the case of disappointment, scientists have found that glutamate and GABA, this makes the sound really smart, although I don't really know all the scientific parts of this but they're released. And our emotions, this particular motion is processed in the limbic system, which can create emotional pain. And when we have long lasting disappointment, we sit in it, it can lead to depression, and you and I both experienced that the depression part. And that's why we're here really, hopefully helping others to rise up and shine, rise up from depression and really shine in their lives.

Ashley
Absolutely. Because depression anxiety is so prominent right now with this year of everything going on. We are all touched in some point by this year by 2020. And it's school is the racial injustices is the pandemic, its health, its loss of a job or change of a job atmosphere, even you know, some people having to bring their kids to work, or some people have to work from home and fitness is one reason why this was such a great topic was because I did not adjust properly. I know for myself, because we expected a certain thing. And then we just kept getting disappointed. But we didn't really adjust our lifestyle based off of the circumstance, right? I mean, this is such a bizarre year and has really shifted things around for all of us personally. But if we don't know how to handle disappointment, it's just going to leave us in a rut, it's going to leave us filled with anxiety filled with depression, just really feeling defeated and discouraged. And it will definitely impact our relationships, right? It does spouses with other people, we believe we can become more hermits, you know, I know my husband and I are more introverted. And we're like, oh, this is great. And I was thinking a lot about on my long drive Actually, today from visiting my family that I can just see us being completely hermit people and staying home and not needing to go out or socialize. But then I was thinking, what could be the repercussions of that? You know, you can just go too far and become really lonely. And it we we need each other in our life.

Claudine
Yes, I would be disappointed if you did that. I know I expect to socialize with you actually socialize as a couple. So that would be very disappointing.

Ashley
And even with you being down in Southern California now, because you were up here for how many years has it been now?

Claudine
Well, the better part of six, right?

Ashley
And then so we've grown really close with each other. And then now you're down. And so cow trying to get your house and I was the same thing I was kind of expecting great, I'll see you in a couple months, right one to two months, maybe because you have a beautiful home and I thought it would get sold very quickly.

Claudine
So actually, let's share with our listeners some of the things that have helped us in overcoming disappointment.

Ashley
Well, the first one accept it? Yes. Accept the disappointment. I think many of us I know. I know. Many of us, try not to feel the disappointment. We try and find a solution. We try and fix it super, super quick. And we don't process properly. I don't process our thinking going on. We don't process how we're feeling even the emotions that it brings up. I mean, that is a very crucial question to ask is what did this disappointment bring up? What am I feeling? What do I think about it, and it's so important to accept it as just part of our experience as a human and in this lifetime, and even just in this year, just accept this is what's going on. Because we try to deny we try to avoid we try to escape it and numb out and we don't properly accept and that is huge for our well being

Claudine
Huge. And you hit the nail on the head too. When you talk about our emotions. It's like we want to fix it. We want to stop it. Anytime an emotion is uncomfortable. We feel like oh, I gotta fix it right?

Ashley
I'm not supposed to feel this.

Claudine
Right. But it's okay to feel disappointment. That's normal. And honestly to spend a few minutes with our emotions. Let thoughts come and go just sit there like you said, sit there and surrender, accept it, feel it and let it pass through you because it will pass through. It's when we resist when we try to repress it or deny those feelings. That's when they don't go away and that's when they can get worse and worse.

Ashley
So Exactly. And on my drive today I was thinking, what are all the things I hate right now and I know that sounds really negative, but I thought you know, I think I just need to journal I hate the distance learning, I hate you know, dot, dot, dot, whatever that may be, not to dwell on, but to acknowledge it and just be like, you know, I didn't really put an opinion on how I was feeling about these things I just was trying to trudge through be, be strong, be tough, just go with it, go with it. And it's really important for our listeners to to accept it, just recognize what is this making me feel? You know, guys, we need to do that we need to gain that awareness in order to properly process and be able to move forward, it's okay to feel the disappointment. If you don't feel disappointment ever, you're gonna be like a robot. Right? That's just not realistic. So let's be realistic here.

Claudine
Yeah, another thing that has really helped me with disappointment is creating a new thought or a story around the circumstance or the situation. So for instance, with me with this house sell taking much longer than I hoped for, I am trying to tell myself that the right house on the buying end is getting prepared for us while we wait for our house to sell. And that helps me I'm like, okay, but something really great is coming around the corner, and I just have to be patient. And that helps me if I keep my eye focused on that goal. And not on this timeframe that I thought I had to have like, it has to sell by the end of August, but we're well past we're well past that now. So, you know, now it's like, okay, so the news that the new story is something really great is right around the corner for me. And that definitely helps. The other part is and I mentioned before is not to ruminate, don't just keep chewing on the disappointment, you know, like, well, it's well past August, look at this, this didn't work out. Because then we can spiral downward, then all of a sudden, it's really easy to think of all the other things that haven't worked out my life and all the other disappointment. Yes, right. And all of a sudden, it's a long list of disappointments, and I can barely get out of bed because I'm too disappointed. So right, don't chew on it. And this is where coaching or having a trusted friend to talk to can really help with creating those new thoughts are creating a new narrative around it.

Ashley
Absolutely, exactly what you said, I wanted to point out to our listeners, OCD. So this is something that was new to me. And I actually had a great conversation with some members of my family this week, who said they struggle with this too, and I was able to kind of put a name on it. So OCD we A lot of us contend to think about it's the you got to wash your hand seven times, you got to turn a light switch on three times when you come into a room, but it is also our thoughts, the rumination, focusing on our thoughts and obsessing over our thoughts. So I can share because we know a lot of this stuff. And you know, I've learned a lot of this stuff. It's really helped in my healing. But it doesn't mean I've overcome everything. 100% I mean, I'm human, we still struggle. But I recognized that the last couple of weeks, our cat is missing again, I could not stop thinking about it right? I could not shut my brain off. Like I was just obsessing over it all the time, it was either school or the cat. And I just couldn't shut it down. Because I was so bogged down with all this stress recently, I was not properly processing, I went back I regressed back, you know, to my old ways as we tend to do. And I realized I was obsessing over I couldn't stop it. Because I was not managing my mind. I was allowing myself to ruminate and becoming aware of what is going on in our head. What are we constantly thinking about redirecting it is possible to redirect it. And what happens is why we get that those OCD thoughts is because we haven't processed it, right, we're focused on all the emotion, right. And we're not just sitting and feeling it and allowing our brain to kind of go through it and process. And it's like we're trying to find a fix rather than just be accept it and feel it. So our brain because our brain is what's going to do the processing job. Our brain is going to process and we're going to be able to move on from that. But it's very important to recognize if you struggle with those obsessive thoughts. Be very careful. Because we want to change the story that we're telling ourselves. We don't want to get into that rut. That's right.

Claudine
And that's the gift of our prefrontal cortex ABS we have this logic reasoning brain, our primitive brain the limbic system is where the emotions are processed and emanate from but our prefrontal cortex help us rewire those thoughts, rewire those stories so that they can now help pull us up out of that and take a great point of that don't let it ride control over you. Yes, either your emotions serve you right serve them, somebody's gonna master me know. I've had to be in control of my emotions than a control And actually, we're talking about control next week. So if you have issues with controlling, we'll be discussing that next week. Another thing Lastly, for me, that really helps me, of course, as a Christian woman is to really trust that God's timing is perfect that His ways are perfect. And I love proverbs three, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. And right now for sure, with our house thing. I do not understand it. I really don't. It makes no sense. We're the lowest price one, we have all the upgrades, we have all the bells and whistles. It's a little confusing. It's confusing other people too. But you know what I'm making a decision every day to trust and not lean on my own understanding and really apply my heart to it. And it's hard because my brain can say, and I can do these new thoughts. And I can say I get it, I understand. But my heart I stopped a battle with those emotions. And so like he said, I just have to let it feel it's okay. Sometimes I just have to go sit for 20 minutes and cry. And it's okay. And then I pick myself back up. I'm like, Alright, that looks good. Now I'm done, I can move forward. So really trusting not only intellectually, but with my heart with all my heart and lean? Not on my understanding? Absolutely. That helps.

Ashley
That's a huge one is because a lot of times intellectually, we can understand and be like, Well, I know this to be true, but we don't always believe it. And it's exactly what you said earlier in this episode is the wiring of our brain, you know, yeah, we have conditioned our way to think a certain way and to handle disappointment a certain way. Well, the good news is that our brain is neuro plastic, we can always change it. And so we can change into a new way of thinking, right? And that's where a lot of us didn't realize that you can actually change that. Right, you know, which is why we're here wanting to talk to our listeners about it. Because you can you can change the way of thinking right and change the way you handle disappointment, I want to put in one more plug to for our listeners is that when you experience disappointment, and you're paying attention to the thoughts going on, in your mind, be very careful not to think of yourself as a disappointment. Um, that is something that really led me into depression and anxiety. And right now that is going on so much right now in people's lives. Because we feel like we're failing and all this stuff, we're just under this heavy burden, and all these external factors that are out of any of our control, right. And many of us are feeling like we're just not doing a good job. We're not serving our kids. Well, with school, we're not serving our spouse, well, because we're constantly tired. Whatever it is, you know, we're not able to be that employer that we always strive to be because we have all this added stress going on. But just remember that when we experience disappointment, it does not mean we are a disappointment, right mean we're doing a bad job, it does not mean any of that stuff. So be very careful what you allow into your brain and change the way of thinking to be able to accept the disappointment be able to process it properly and in a healthy way. So then you can move on and thrive and rise up and shine. Right exactly why we are here for you guys.

Claudine
Yes.

Ashley
So everybody, thank you for tuning back. And we really hope this has blessed you today. We know we are all going through some disappointment this year, but you are strong and you are valuable and you are enough we hope that you take these practicals and apply them to your life and that you get to rise up and shine.

Claudine
Until next time, take care.

Ashley
Friends, thank you so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #46

Stress is something we all experience. Now more than ever. In this episode we give tips on how to manage and minimize any unnecessary stress.




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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Well, hello, Ashley. Today we're talking about stress. And it's been quite a stressful morning already just preparing for this podcast because we had technical difficulties on many levels, microphones, headphones, software, you name it, we're trying some new a new program this morning. And none of our equipment was working with it. So we're back to square one we're zooming This podcast is I'm still in Southern California, and you are in Northern California. So we understand stress as I know all our listeners do in 2020. If we could name 2020 stress would be right up there. Hashtag

Ashley
hashtag stress.

Claudine
Crazy. I mean, even this morning, we're an hour behind on our recording schedule, just trying to figure all this my like, I'm feeling stressful. It's going Hi, my body is reacting. And actually that is what stresses so stress is the body's response to real or imagined perceptions of pressure. And 2020 has been pressured filled on so many levels and from as small as like today trying to figure out microphones, to the huge ones with fires blazing all over the West Coast politics, racial tensions, COVID, a pandemic, homeschooling you name it, we are all feeling stressed in real ways. And then of course, our own perceptions can magnify that or help lessen it? So that's what we're talking about today. stress.

Ashley
Yes, Claudine, you everything you said was right on exactly. I mean, just 2020. And this week, and even just this morning, in general for us, I mean, we all deal with stress on a daily basis. And when we have the normal day to day stress that everybody in life has, you know, we can, we can even struggle there, we can even struggle, managing our stress, we can struggle minimizing stress. But with this year, everything going on, it has added such a huge burden on all of us. There, like you said, the homeschool has been a big one in my personal life. And I know for a lot of moms, a lot of parents who are dealing with teaching their kids or having to work and someone else has to be there, like a nanny, some are finding childcare for their kids, some parents have to take their children to work with them and their kids do work, do their schooling at their work. I mean, it's just it's so crazy. And I've been noticing a lot of the stress on my body, my physical body. And what I want to share with everybody like exactly this episode, we want to share the effects that stress has on our body, ways that we can help manage it, right, because stress is not going anywhere.

Claudine
Right?

Ashley
It can increase, it can decrease, but stress is just one of those daily factors of life that we all have to deal with. And like you said, you defined it very well, you know, it's stress is our body's reaction to the pressure from an outside situation or event. So it is our brain that reacts to what we perceive as a threat or a challenge or some barrier. And it what we feel in our body is increased heart rate, or rapid shallow breathing, tense muscles, my back spasms this week. And first question I got from people where are you stressed? Hello. Do you need to ask that?

Claudine
Right.

Ashley
Exactly. It was true. It's like okay, well yes, I've been stressed. But the fact that I just bend over to pick something up, you know, nothing even heavy. I think it was like a paper plate. It just bending over my back tightened. And then I for the past three days, I've just been in horrible pain, not sleeping well. And it is it's added stress. And again, going back to this year, all these big things that we're dealing with in our life right now. A lot of us are feeling like we're drowning underneath the pressure. And stress is something that is so crucial for us to be able to become aware about and be able to manage because it causes such physical issues on our bodies, on our mental health, in our relationships, all of it. I mean every single facet of life is affected by stress and if we are not doing A great job of managing it and minimizing when we're able, it's just going to wreak havoc in our lives, which I find is happening a lot right now. I mean, there's more divorces, there's more marital problems, my husband and I have been struggling a lot more in our relationship, you know, with the kids trying, like constantly getting frustrated with the kids in school, all these things are just being affected by stress. So you and I are feeling this. So exactly why we want to bring this episode to you, our listeners, what can we do? Why is it important to know what stress does in our bodies, it's important to recognize the signs.


Claudine
Yeah. And we're never going to be able to eliminate stress, but we can manage it, like you said, we can learn to stress less. I mean, originally, our bodies were built to survive and respond to life risking events like a tiger in the bush or a snake in the grass. So that's what happened, our bodies released cortisol and adrenaline, they physically prepare us to run and to escape danger and to survive. And now we don't have those stresses, we're not worried about being attacked or eaten by a tiger, anything like that. But we have different stresses. And most of us, I mean, in America, there's such a culture of multitasking. Were doing so many things at once, especially as moms we're working, we're taking care of our children, we're taking care of our households, we're balancing the budget, we're getting groceries, we're getting close. I mean, it just goes on and on, where there's not even time to just sit still in solitude, and even reflect and even give our bodies that time to relax. And so that's why it is so important to talk about today. And when we're chronically stressed, which means long term, it does do things to our bodies, for our physical health, like diabetes is increased blood pressures, increase weight gain, I mean, nobody needs any more help with that. We don't need to gain any more weight. But stressful, unfortunately lead to that. And then it leads to a lower immune system. We don't need that right now. We need to keep our immune systems as strong as possible. Brain fog. I mean, that's my big one. I'm just walking on fog. I was talking to someone earlier. And it was like, I don't even know what day it is. Like, I need to print out a physical calendar and just put it on my wall.

Ashley
So today is Thursday.

Claudine
I don't even know what the month is. I'm like, wait, we Where are you? And then I personally have the added stress of living in a home that we're trying to sell. It hasn't sold yet. So we thought we would be sold and moved up back up to Northern California by the end of September. And we're sitting in a house that's unsold right now. So my body my mind, they're reacting to this perceived pressure of what if it never sells? What if we never buy another house? What if all the what ifs that cause stress and discomfort? It's this pressure of, well, what do we do now? I mean, you know, it's just a lot of pressure and stress. We're living out of a suitcase like even the other day, I had to cook a recipe. This is so silly, but I didn't have any tablespoons or teaspoons or measuring spoons. And it's like, okay, it's hard to cook, but you don't have like simple tools. Now, luckily, I could run across the, you know, property to my daughter's house and get those things barlas things but it's just stressful. Like just not having the typical normal things. My life's not threatened. But it just is this stress these little annoyances, these little thumb words that just are like aggravating. Oh, I know. Yeah. And this is short term. And I know it's going to go away. But long term. What about people who've lost their jobs? What about people who've had family members sick or passed from COVID? I mean, the pressures and the stress if, if they don't learn how to manage the stress, then it will lead to physical and mental, you know, mental effects of stress.

Ashley
Yeah. And as you mentioned, our automatic responses, you know, to these pressures, right, exactly. We're not out living as hunters and gatherers anymore, you know, experiencing danger on a daily basis from from enemies or from, you know, animals or any of that stuff, or even just how are we going to eat you know, today, some might even experience that now with financial challenges, but it's a fight and flight response. And that is how our brain is wired for that survival. So we are wired for survival. But survival means something very different now than it did back then. And of course, there's going to be times where we need to be cautious that we we are going to need to fight or we are going to need to run away from danger, but that's not the usual stress. That is in our day to day. However, our brain still responds as if it's that extreme level of danger. You know, not having a tablespoon I could think if it was a challenging day, this is the worst day ever. Once little thing, it's like No, not really. And one thing that has really helped me that I want to encourage our listeners to do as well is when we keep in contact with friends, family, other people and just kind of ask them how they're doing. It helps put our own lives into perspective, I had two conversations with people, very dear to me recently, who are going through such challenges right now in their lives that I have not experienced. And it really changed my perspective, to be compassionate, to be grateful for what is going on, like how our circumstances are that I am not having to deal with what they are dealing with. But again, that compassion, right, we don't want to have a cold heart and be like, Oh, my gosh, thank goodness, that's not my life, you know, nothing like that. It just, it really helped put it in perspective, because I felt myself crashing this week, just emotionally and mentally with all this virtual school. And, you know, one of my kids needs a lot more help. So I sit with them pretty much all day. And we're working until four or five o'clock in the evening on all this school. And we started at 8:30. And it's I'm burned out, and, and then my kids are burned out and they're grumpy. And then I'm grumpy. And then we're and that is like the level of danger, quote, unquote, danger that many of us are experiencing right now. But the chronic stress, like you mentioned, our body is constantly flooding with adrenaline and cortisol. And that's why cortisol is known as the silent killer. It is extremely damaging, and it suppresses most of our body systems. You know, as you mentioned, it lowers our immune system, it causes our heart to beat faster, which can potentially lead to strokes or heart attacks, it can also increase the chance of cancer. It can also as many of us do not want increase the aging process. Another one we don't want to experience and also is one who struggled with this, both you and I have struggled with this depression and anxiety, it can write off those issues, or it can exacerbate those issues as well. Yeah, absolutely. And then also, it's important to recognize and be aware of when we are feeling stress what's going on in our body, that's going to be the first sign. You know, it's our emotions, and also what our body is physically feeling. I feel tense muscles right now that has been my weak, right with my back and my muscles, I feel very tense muscles. Okay? This is a really, I'm carrying a lot of stress right now. That's what it means. And then it helps us take a look at what and maybe even make a list. What is going on? What are all the things on my plate right now. And be aware, okay, I'm feeling this in my physical body, because of all these things on my list. And sometimes we just can't carry so much, especially as women who tend to be the caretakers who tend to be the cooks, who tend to be the drivers who tend to be that you know, even more trying to manage our emotions, which can be very challenging as a woman, especially hormonally speaking


Claudine
Absolutely.

Ashley
But it's really important to become aware, because then we know what to do. It'll help us to manage. Right,

Claudine
Right, Ashley? And just like you said, I mean, I think when we're under chronic stress, when we don't take efforts to manage it, or to lessen it, we do it does lead to burnout, like you're sharing it leads to burnout. But and I've shared this before, where you can actually have adrenal failure and adrenal fatigue. And I've shared about that I was under so much stress for quite some time and didn't actively do anything to manage it. or lessen it. This was quite a few years back that my adrenal glands actually were shot. So then you have to go get professional help to help strengthen them, to get them back to where they need to be just to manage day to day activities. So it is really important to be aware of your physical sensations. If you're starting to feel your muscles are tense or for me, it's brain fog. I started to feel very, like, I don't know what date is, what should I be doing today? There's too much everything feels too much. For me. That's how I know I'm feeling stressed. When ordinary activities seem to be too much like I can't do the laundry today. It's just far too much for me, then I know I'm stressed. So I've learned that and when I get really short with my husband, like I'll just be a little snippy. Like, okay, I'm stressed. And actually one of the things you and I talked about earlier, there's even good stress and bad stress, you know, obviously COVID and everything that's going on in our world right now we would term under bad stress, but there are good stresses like I've traveled extensively the last four months. Now, of course, you said this would be bad stress for you. Yeah, for me, it was good stress. Like, it was great. I love traveling. But it's still a stressor, because there's so much change. There's so much unknown. I don't know where I'm staying tonight. I don't know. I mean, I didn't know. But you know, it's a different environment. I'm living out of a suitcase. So to me, that's a good stress. But we also have bad stresses that those are easily acknowledged.

Ashley
Right, and the good stress, you can think of that as the pressure that helps to motivate, motivate us. So that could be a deadline on a project, or it could be maybe an upcoming trip, or, you know, so it gives you that, that push to prepare or to grow, or In what way? And even like you said, with traveling, you're traveling with you and your husband, right, so to you that's bit like you enjoy that you you know, you're not packing for kids and you have four kids, you know, you're not packing for for children anymore, making sure everyone has everything and has somewhat of a schedule. And did you guys eat today? Did you brush your teeth? You know? Right? Um, so even my husband asked like this weekend if he wanted to float down the river because we're gonna get a heatwave again, mild one, thank goodness, but, and he asked me on the worst possible day, I was so burned out yesterday, when he asked me I said, Well, honestly, no. But if you asked me tomorrow, it might feel better, because now I just see more work on my plate, right have to pack because it's a four hour float, floating excursion, you know, I have to pack our food, I have to make sure we have everything, I have to get sunblock and all that stuff. So it doesn't seem as enjoyable. That's not a good pressure motivating me, helping you grow. That's putting more stress on my plate like more than I feel like I can currently handle and that is important to distinguish between the two, right that there's this good stress that is beneficial for us. But the bad stress that could be toxic to us toxic to our brains and our to our systems. And one of those things I want to mention is trauma.

Claudine
Hmm,

Ashley
Almost all of us, I have right here to say all of us, but have experienced trauma, big trauma, smaller trauma, what have you, we all have experienced some form of trauma. And several years ago when I was going through my healing journey and counseling, and I took a trauma class through Kaiser, and it was really eye opening because it showed how trauma, especially from childhood, can still follow you and affect you physically. And you even have a chance of having a shorter lifespan by up to 20 years. And that was the one fact I learned that really just opened my eyes and made me think about my life and think about what I was still carrying. A lot of the stress we tend to carry is bitterness, a lack of forgiveness, these are all stress factors as well, it's not just tangible things that we have to do on our to do list, it can also be these big emotions or big burdens that we are carrying from early childhood, you know, right? trauma is so important to recognize that it causes trauma is stuck in our bodies, if we haven't processed it properly. And because of that, it will keep us in a fight flight response. more frequently, that chronic stress, it'll keep us living in a chronic stressful state where our body just reacts. You know, like I've been told, and I'm sure some of our listeners may have been told, oh, you're just sensitive, you're just sensitive. Well, there's truth to that. There is a scientific truth, because our bodies are triggered easily if we've experienced certain traumas. And again, that goes back to Okay, is this really a danger? Is this really a threatening situation? Well, no, not really. Okay, well, then I'm going to have to process this and work through it and let it go, feel the emotions, but be able to let it go. That is not something I need to carry. And for our listeners out there, I really encourage you to reflect and that's going to be one of the things that's important to do. It's going to be tough, but reflect about what is going on in your life. How are you feeling about things? What do you feel in your body? And are there possible scenarios from going back early childhood traumatic experiences that could be triggering things now in this extremely hashtag stressful? 2020?

Claudine
Right. You know, that's a great point. Actually. Sometimes we you know, we strive to look ahead and forget what's behind this, right. But we don't realize that those events in our childhood or in are even our adult I was talking with someone recently. And they're like, forget my childhood traumas, what about my adult traumas? My thought, you know, that's true that those things do their stress because they have not been processed, they've not been resolved. So we're carrying those heavy emotions, they are burdens, like you said their burdens. And that's stressful. And we're so unaware of that. We just think that's normal. Well, I don't want to deal with that it's better left unsaid, it's better, you know, to sweep it under the rug, or that was so long ago, it doesn't matter anymore. But it's really powerful, that we do explore and deal with things that we're carrying with us even unconsciously. Because if we don't, it does lead to this total burnout. And then we're good for nothing. And for no one and no one wants to be there.

Ashley
When you also Oh, sorry, I want to add, and you also think about because of those experiences, again, many of us have not processed properly because we haven't been taught. But it we tend to cope. And so now we're all experiencing very stressful situations this year. However that looks to you. But we're coping, we're going to be going to those things, those outside things that help us get a fix. So we just feel better for a short, temporary time, whether that's TV or food or alcohol, or coffee, or sex, or what have you, whatever it is, we all have something that we cope with. And more than likely it's going to be good to evaluate and reflect on this is what am I doing more of that's just helping me numb and not feel these uncomfortable emotions? Right, right.

Claudine
Yeah. Because those are unhealthy ways. I mean, there's healthy ways of coping, and there's unhealthy ways of writing. And certainly, you know, there's jokes all over with the COVID-19 and the quarantine 15, the weight game that most people have experienced over the last six months because of being indoors and eating so much more. It's a huge coping mechanism for many of us, such as more stress. It does, in many ways. It really does. And then some of us are Netflix binge eaters. Yes, that would mean, you know, how many me too How many hours have I wasted in the last six months watching television. So, you know, again, it's a coping mechanism. It's not super detrimental. But there are healthy ways to cope. And I thought we could take a few minutes to talk about that. So we've come up with five ways to cope. And one of them they're not in any particular order. But one of them is exercise, of course. And for me personally, when I'm feeling stressed, the last thing I want to do is exercise. And so I've literally had to force myself to just go on walks. And so I tell myself, I'm just going to go to the end of my block, which my block is rather long, because I'm rural, but I just convinced myself, I'm just going to do five minutes of walking. Now that my brain will say, you can do five minutes, go ahead do five minutes, you can do five push ups, you can do five sit-ups. And that's what I tell myself, I'm just going to keep it really small. And commit to that. Now the truth of it is once I've got my shoes on, and once I'm outside walking, and it's nice, I keep going and I can do 20 to 30 minutes, and I can do five sit-ups and go, Oh, I feel pretty good. I'm already on the floor, let me do 20 or 30 more. So I that's how I've been tricking my brain, so to speak, trying to get myself to commit to just five minutes, five minutes of exercise every day. And that's been that helps with stress. There's all kinds of studies and research that show how exercise will reduce stress. Another method is tapping, which we have a resource on our website. But tapping is a gentle process of tapping on meridian points that help release emotions and thoughts and can absolutely minimize stress. I know for me, one of the most anxious moments I had was, I was out of the country and my youngest daughter was really ill and had to go to the emergency room. And as a mother being thousands of miles away, and not being able to take her was so anxiety producing it was very unusual for me. And I just had to go in the room and tap. And I did that for about 10 minutes and it really resolved all that anxiety. So we'll have a resource on that. That goes along with breathing. I mean, sometimes I forget to breathe when I'm stressed. I just kind of hold my breath. I mean, I'm not the only one but there's this awareness of breathing and just stopping to breathe deeply. For a couple minutes, just two minutes and it just changes like you were talking about earlier. The autonomic nervous system, we can slow it down can bring everything down.

Ashley
You know, ironically, sorry, I'm cutting you off. Ironically, the last couple of nights as I'm trying to fall asleep or just about to fall asleep. I noticed that I was holding my breath. And I, oh my gosh. And I guess it was completely unaware. It was so, so weird.

Claudine
So many of us do it and we are not aware in the very thing, we need more oxygen in ourselves right deal with the stress, we're not doing over shallow breathers. I get stressed. It's very shallow, you know, buried, if I remember. I mean, obviously, we're breathing so we don't die. But there's a difference between healthy deep breathing and shallow, intermittent breathing. Another, you know, way to cope, of course, it's talking it through. Obviously, if you're dealing with trauma, it'd be great to talk to a professional about that. But even talking it through with a trusted friend or a coach is so beneficial sometimes, just even you and I, we talk and prep sometimes before our recordings, just talking through things in our lives, we get a different perspective, we're able to maybe reframe what's going on. And realize it's really not that big of a deal. Like we can make a story out of anything, like not having a tablespoon or measuring cup could have become I have nothing Look at me Poor me, I have nothing like I can't even make a dish because I don't have any equipment. And this house is never going to sell my stuff's going to be in storage for year, you know, it could have created this humongous story. But when you talk it through with someone, all of a sudden, it just seems like so much smaller, you know, the situation becomes so much more maybe rooted in fact, instead of our narrative about it. So talking it through with someone that you trust is huge. Another one is for me. And I know for you, Ashley is just praying to spending that time in prayer in praying to the one that knows everything and sees everything and really knows what's going on. And I love the scripture in Philippians four, where it says do not worry about anything. But pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ. And I love that because I think sometimes a situation can be so overwhelming. And so prayer obviously helps me surrender it like okay, I'm giving this to you, God. But that last part said, always giving thanks. And so I've really focused, I've really had to focus these last few weeks, okay, I'm not where I want to be. My house hasn't sold yet. But Gosh, I have so much to be thankful for him year three of my adult children, I'm near my grandchildren. I'm here at the beach, I've actually been to the coast, I think three times in the last seven days. I mean, that's amazing. So there's so much to be thankful for. And I've had to practice that being thankful even in the difficult times, even when things aren't going the way I thought they would go. So praying to meditate.

Ashley
Yeah, and I want to add one thing to that, too, is on the flip side, as well as practicing gratitude is watch the complaining. I really had to practice that a lot this week, because I was feeling a lot of pressure and a lot of stress. And I I was talking with my husband yesterday. And he he's been a great listener, we've been talking on his way home. And it hasn't been something I felt in the past. But he's really been working on being an emotional support for me. So he's been allowing me to vent his 15 minute drive home, which has been so so helpful. But I even told him I said I am trying to be very careful of how much I complain like there is I sometimes I just need to vent and get it off my chest. But there are times where I just it's important not to sit and complain. Because when we complain, we do it over and over and over complaining and venting I feel are very different venting is like a one time. Let me spill it all out to you all my all the guts. But complaining is having an attitude of complaining about anything and everything and repetitively. And when we focus on the negative so much, it is very hard to be grateful for anything. So that as well as practicing gratitude, we have to be careful of the complaining.

Claudine
Absolutely. And that segues beautifully into our fifth way of coping healthfully, which is manage your mind. Well, when we complain repetitively when we have those negative thoughts, we're building those neural pathways, we're strengthening those neural pathways, and we're not managing in our mind, at least not in a healthy way. Now we're we're managing our mind, while we're not managing it, it's just chaos in there. And it just adds distress. And so it really is a process to think through the thoughts, to be aware of our thoughts, to really examine them and to choose thoughts that serve as well. So that's what we're calling managing your mind and that's our work with our clients. It's just helping them choose their thoughts wisely to develop thoughts that serve them that give them the emotions they're looking for, to be able to do the actions they desire and get the results they want.

Ashley
So exactly what you're saying When we whatever we get focused to is what we're going to see in any situation. So if we're focusing on more of the negative, just by habit, then we're going to see the negative all throughout the day and in every situation. And it's going to be very challenging to try and be positive and grateful. And I'm experiencing that this week, because my child who I've been sitting with for school is very vocal about how he feels. And in my mind, they're not rational. They're just very emotional thoughts. He's having that he's speaking out loud. But I have to allow him to kind of express it, and then we talk through it, right, because his brain is still a developing brain. But it's been really self reflective for me, because it's made me think about what am i allowing in my head? I'm not as verbal as he is. But I do think a lot of those same things. I it's very easy for many of us to wake up and first thing in the morning, the first thing that goes wrong, then we're, we think the whole day is gonna go bad. Oh, it's just a bad day? Well, yeah, it will be because you're saying it's a bad, right? So you will look for everything negative, and it will prove your point. But if we wake up and say today, it's going to be a great day, then our brain will actually look for things that are positive that will prove it's a good day. And it really is, what do we want? What kind of a day do we want? Do we want to have a stressful day? Well, no, that's why we're doing this episode, because we're trying to manage and minimize our stress. And it's not like those things are going to go away, we already established stress is there for the long haul. However, how we deal with it and how we cope, a lot of it is in our minds, it's what are we focusing on? A lot of it can be in our relationships, either right now with our children with school, it can be with our spouses, I know that's been taking a big hit, a lot of us have been talking about our marriages, or even seeking out help in our marriages. And that is a big one. I know for myself that we were very disconnected my husband and I, which I think is happening with a lot of families right now. There is so much added stress, we are adding more stress to our plate, because we are disconnected from our spouse because we are so overwhelmed because we're burned out and we're responding to each other as husband and wife in like a negative, you know, snappy, like you said, you know, passive aggressive way, because we're all stressed out. So I remember giving some advice to a dear friend several years ago who was asking what it's like having kids. And this is the way I explained it. I said, think of you and your husband, and the most stressful scenario, you guys are the most burnout stressed out and then try to work together. Good luck like it,

Claudine
It can certainly be accurate at times.

Ashley
I probably gave her a little too much info. However, it's realistic, because when we are stressed out if we do not manage our stress, well, it's gonna be detrimental to our marriages, and to our family dynamic and our home environment. And what we want above all else for us, our listeners, our clients, everybody is to thrive, to increase their well being to feel more joy and peace. And it's not going to take the circumstances changing. Right, that helps but we can still experience it. Now. In this state. The goal is to have a calm enter homeostasis state of mind that we can manage ourselves, our thoughts, our minds, our bodies, our spirituality, you know everything, despite what is going on in the world.

Claudine
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's on point. I know we can still rise up and shine even in a year like 2020. Even with all these external stressors, it is possible to do that. And that's why we're here. Well, I have a bonus way to cope, which I'm really working on and those of us that are older like I am really need this. But our bonus way to cope healthy, healthy ways for stress is nutrition. And I've really been focusing on that those last few weeks just as I'm drinking my protein shake. It's what made me think of it, but really making sure we're getting all the nutrients the vitamins the water, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and eating properly, which can be difficult because when we're stressed it's easier to go to the cookies and the cake and the chocolate ice cream and all the comfort foods. But what our body really needs is vitamins and minerals and all the good stuff. So lots of veggies, lots of fruits and lots have water so I've been doubling my intake of all those and that is really helping, especially as you get older like for me, I just need that all the more just to age. Well, I mean, another stressor, you know, like you said stress doesn't help you age well, well I'm already aging so I'd like to do it well. That's a freebie.

Ashley
Alright everyone so that concludes this episode on stress. And please remember to subscribe and share with a friend and you can also find Claudine over at claudinesweeney.com. And you can find Ashley over at mindoverchaos.com. So we hope you guys have a great stress free week and weekend coming up here. All right, we'll catch you next time.

Friends Thank you so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #45

And how To Start Listening to the Truth

Have you ever considered yourself a liar? Well, we can prove that we lie to ourselves all the time. In this episode, we discuss common lies we believe as women and what we can do to turn that around and start believing the truth.




GET THE FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:


EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
This is Episode 45. The lies we believe. Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Welcome back, listeners. Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say each and every one of you is a liar. Really what I mean by that were how Ashley is I know don't you just feel so encouraged? So really all jokes aside, what I mean by this is that we all lie to ourselves. Yes, maybe we have told a lie a white lie, you know, friend asked you how they look in this new hat. Oh, yes, I love it. That's great, but you really didn't. That's not really what we're talking about here. What we're talking about are the lies that we tell ourselves, we tend to lie to ourselves more than we can even imagine. But luckily, we can find out what these things are, what lies we're believing and sometimes even how they have gotten there. There are going to be times we don't know how these lies have gotten into our heads and why we believe it. And that's okay, too. But the point is that we want to drive home on this episode for you, ladies is that we want you to live your most authentic, happy, fulfilled lives. And we need to address these lies that we tell ourselves as women.

Claudine
Yeah, that's right, Ashley, I know some of these lies kept me down for quite a while and you as well. And when we believe these lies, it keeps us from living our best life from really rising up and shining. And so that's why we thought today would be a great time to address some of the top lies that we tell ourselves that we believe and how they affect us how they affect our lives. So one of the top lies is I'm not good enough, fill in the blank. I'm not a good enough wife. I'm not a good enough. parent. I'm not a good enough, friend. I'm just not good enough. And we talked about that last week on self worth, we really addressed being good enough that we are inherently worthy and valuable. But that's one of the top lies that we believe I'm just not good enough. Another one that I used to believe is a life is too hard. Well, the truth is that life is hard. It is hard sometimes. I mean, right now we're living through all kinds of hard challenging stuff fires, pandemic civil unrest, political tensions, you name it, we've got it going on right now. Life is hard. But you know what the truth is, we can do hard things. And when I started believing that I could do hard things. All of a sudden, my life started shifting, it was okay. It was like, yeah, this is hard. So what I can do hard, I can do hard. And the other lie that was a big one for me is that if I felt it, it must be true. And so I struggled with managing my emotions. So if I felt sad, and it was a bad day, and if I felt happy, it was a good day. And if I felt frustrated, it must be someone else's fault. And if I felt disappointed again, someone else's fault, a my emotions really ran my life. And I really felt like I didn't have control of them. And they were truth that my feelings were truth. And it was really powerful for me to learn that I could actually manage my emotions, I could create them, and I could live with them, and they didn't have to control my life.

Ashley
Those are great. Claudine, another one, one of the top lies we tell ourselves is that it's my job to fix, blame, whatever that may be. It may be your child's emotions. If they're angry or frustrated with something then you might feel as a mom, it's your job to fix it. You might also feel if your husband is upset, you know, maybe he's just had a tough day and he comes home he's not very talkative, you might feel like it's your job to fix the situation or to make them happy to make them happy again, it can be uncomfortable to be around those uncomfortable emotions. But we could believe the lie that it is my job to fix it. I need to make them happy. Another top lie is that I don't have enough time. Many of us said that every day. And ironically, with the pandemic and being quarantined and now with fires all over the West Coast and we're indoors and we're stuck. Feeling like still I don't have enough time. We have more time now than we ever did. Right? We're not shuffling around from activity to activity. A lot of us are working from home now. But still we can struggle with I don't have enough time. In the day to get whatever I need done. And another top line we want to end with is, I will never be able to change, what does that mean, I will never be able to lose weight, I will never be able to get my emotions in control, I never be able to make my husband happy, I will never be able to, you know, you fill in the blank, really, we limit ourselves so much by these lies that we tell ourselves,

Claudine
Right. And those those lies, they keep us down and we start believing those lies, then we're in victim mode. Because it's all it's happening to us. And we believe these lies, and now we're victims. And so we can't move forward. We can't go after anything, we can't make those changes that we are fully capable of making when we're in victim mode, because victims don't have victories. Victims don't have victories, right? And we don't go after our dreams and goals. When we believe these lies. You know, we live this half life. It's not joyful, and it's not victorious. And I know that's where I lived for quite a few years just believing these lies. You know, another one was, what goes with I'm not worthy. Really. It's like, well, they get that because they deserve it. But I don't deserve it that really goes with that one. And I struggle with that with for years, like, well, that's good for everyone else, but not for me. And so it took a lot of work. Really, it's simple, but it's not easy. I say that all the time. It's simple. It's really simple. We can fight the flies, it's really simple. Is it easy? No, you know, we have to manage our minds, we have to create those new neural pathways, we have to start believing new things, so that we can feel new things and behave in new ways to get those new results we want. And so it really is simple, but it's not easy. Another practical is really just fighting the lies with God's truth. You know, we shared in last week's episode, I shared for me, when I struggled with my worthiness that I had to really read psalms 139 for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that was the turning point. For me just reading that every day and believing it until it became part of my new neural pathways, my mind just became default, it changed the default of I'm not good enough. And I'm not worthy to know I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. And that was a turning point for me. So we have to fight those lies with truth. And not just believe anything that pops up in our mind. Some of it comes from our childhood, like you've shared before, like, from our upbringing, or things where you're told we're little things that don't serve us anymore, but but they sure do harm us still, they carry forward and they and they don't serve, but they harm and so it's really time to fight the lies with the truth.

Ashley
Okay, so now let's talk about those lies that we went over those top lies, and let's talk about the truth side of it. Okay. So one that I shared is it's my job to fix, link, whatever that may be. Truth is, it is not my job to fix another person, I am here to love them, and to support them and to encourage them. But it is not my responsibility to make them happy, you know, and to take away the circumstances that are their challenge, maybe for the day. So that is something that that is the truth that could combat that lie. The next one, I'll never be able to change, maybe yet, right? I can change if I put in the effort. And if I put in the consistency, I can change, I can lose weight I can, I can become more organized. That was one of mine. I'm just not an organized structured person. And I would recite that to myself. And so I limited myself, right. But if you say I can learn this skill to be more structured, I can be more organized. There's so many resources out there. Right? So that's the truth. The other one I shared was I don't have enough time. Truth is we all have the same amount of time in a given day, 24 hours. So the truth is, I do have enough time I have been given what I need. Maybe there are things on my list that I can take off. Maybe I don't need to overwhelm myself so much. Maybe I can space things out. One of the things that goes along with this, in my personal experience is the priority aspect of things on my to do list or on my calendar. What are the priorities, I can feel every single thing on my list is of equal importance. Well, that is not necessarily true. There are things you can take off. There are things you can delegate. But remember, we all have the same amount of time. If you feel like you don't have enough time, you're never going to feel like you have enough time because right frankly, you're not going to be given any more time.

Claudine
That's right.

Ashley
That's just not possible.

Claudine
Hey, I can't buy time.

Ashley
No, wouldn't that be great.

Claudine
I can't buy love or time.

Ashley
No. But again, you just reorganized your your calendar, you take things off, you help delegate, and then you will feel much more at peace with right to do in the 24 hours you have.

Claudine
Right? Yeah. And I kind of shared some of my truth, like, life's too hard. You know, truth is life is hard, but I can do hard things. So that's good. And the other one where, if I feel it must be true, and I can't control my emotions, which part of it too is underneath those thoughts, there's beliefs. Like for me, I didn't believe there should be any suffering really. And that's why I didn't believe life should be hard. And I didn't believe that I should feel negative emotions. And with those, it turned into something must be wrong with me. And by feeling negative emotions in life, it's hard, I must be doing something wrong, but then tied into the, I'm not good enough. So all those tied in together into the default belief that life should be easy, and I should feel good all the time. So that was really going deeper the belief that I held on to that, that helped shape these lives that I was listening to. So I really internalize that no, life is hard part of the human experience here on earth is filled with trials and temptations and suffering and disappointment. That's just part of it. And that I am fully equipped not only on my own, but with God's Spirit to handle anything that comes my way. And that's where I started finding the power to live more authentically, more in truth of myself and who I am not just running around people pleasing, like you share, but just being authentic to myself, and then just really going after dreams and goals, because it's like, okay, it's hard, but I can do it. And doesn't mean there's anything wrong. And I can feel negative, I can feel frustrated and discouraged. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong either. Because I just feel them and let them go. Like I feel it. Okay, I feel this. Now it's time to let it go. Like I release this, I don't step it, I don't resist it, I don't find it. It's okay to feel those feelings, and then let them move on. And that was a truth that I had to learn. So there were a lot of truths to learn, that helped defeat those lies that were really had a stronghold on me. And you know, we know who the father wises, right? We know who is the deceiver, and whose native language is lies just to keep us down. Because, you know, Jesus, Jesus came that we could have liked to the fall, and the devil came to steal that from us to keep us from living that life.

Ashley
Absolutely, and Claudine. And also, let's go back to talking about managing our mind. So we need the truth, God's truth, that is the standard. That is what's going to help us to combat these lies that were right there that we're believing in. And I like to say bought into these lies that have come up throughout my childhood influences experiences, I bought into them, I had a choice. But granted, a lot of these lies came up, when our brain was not fully developed, we did not have that prefrontal cortex, we did not have that logical reasoning, thinking part of our brain fully developed when we experienced a lot of things that caused us to believe these lies. And that's why so many times we believe this, and many women we talk with and coach believe this that they don't feel they don't believe that they can change this, this is just part of who they are, which is why we wanted to talk about lies because they feel true. So if they feel true, they must be true. Like we said, our emotions, right? Well, not necessarily our emotions are not truth, they are a message. They are just letting us know how we're feeling about a situation and what to do about it. You know, what can we kind of infer what information is it giving us about the situation about ourselves? What is it bringing to light, and that's the awareness that we want to bring forth. So we can change these lies and speak truth to ourselves. Because again, as we talked about last episode, in Episode 44, about our self worth is we are so hard on ourselves.

Claudine
Right? Right.

Ashley
Be nice. Can't we all just get along? Can't we get along in our own mind? You know, and it takes managing our mind and understanding how our brain formed and how when our brain fully developed is really key because then it helps us Oh, okay, so I understand I believe all these lies because I i've been reciting them to myself for years, based on whatever experiences I have gone through anything I've been told what whatever parents, teachers, bullies, peers, TV, media, I mean, all over all these influences, created these lies that we believe but Now that we do have our fully formed, developed brain, we have the opportunity to change it. And so if it gives, like we said, I can't change, I'll never be able to change. Well, that is a lie. Because our brain is neuroplastic, we are able to change and we are able to change those lies and our thinking, by creating a new narrative, new dialogue that we tell ourselves in our head. And the more we do it, that repetition is going to create the new neural pathways. And then again, we're going to start believing it. So just like our last episode, how I mentioned with affirmations, we won't always believe them, as we're reading them to ourselves, well, it's the same thing these lies, when we are telling ourselves the truth. Now, we're not going to believe that first.

Claudine
Right.

Ashley
You have to understand with consistency, that repetition, reciting the truth to ourselves over and over and over, is going to drill that into our brain, it's really going to take root, and we're going to start believing it. And so that is something so crucial to remember, as we're trying to change this part of our lives.


Claudine
Yeah, that's definitely the practicals of what we use in our coaching practices, and that I love Romans 12, to where it says be transformed by the renewing of your mind. And we absolutely can transform our lives and our beliefs, the lies that we believe we can transform those when we renew our minds, like you just shared. And I also love what it says in Philippians, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent think about such things. And we really have to manage our minds that we don't think all these things that are not true, pure, noble, praiseworthy, trustworthy, all that, you know, which my mind was filled with for years, and it just really did a number on how I felt and how I acted because of that.

Ashley
And especially now with all these added stresses of 2020. I mean, I don't even need to list them. I could just say 2020, right? Because of this year,

Claudine
And well, the scary thing is we still have four months, I'm scared of what's going to come. floods, fires. I don't know what else.

Ashley
I know. So hashtag 2020, right. There's so much going on in our world right now. In our country, and our states, we're both in California, Northern Southern California right now for the time being, and at home, at home with our family. So there's so many stresses going on right now and fears, we can allow those things to be a driving force in the thoughts that we're thinking, right? That narrative we're telling in our head, and I also want want to share this practical, that is really powerful. It's just really being cognizant of the stories that we build up in our mind. Yeah, I have done this in certain relationships, my husband and I, I've done it, I've done it in other relationships that have kind of been more of a challenge. And if there is a situation that happened, I'll just sit and ruminate on the situation all day long. And I'll just write do and think and think, but I'm creating the story. In my head. It's like, well, if I say this, and then he says that, and then I'm going to say this. And you know, and I'm basically creating a movie, in my own head right out this story, this made up story. But when we're doing those things, then our emotions are going to follow suit, when we're thinking and ruminating on all this stuff, and the stress and how how crappy life is right now in 2020. And all these negative things. And you know, like I shared even in the last episode is sometimes it can be hard looking for the silver lining and things of what's going on this year. You know, it could be hard trying to think of positive, excellent praise worthy peer, you know, noble things right now. But we have to be very careful of those stories that we build in our mind and not let ourselves just ruminate and build and create this fiction in our head, right? No, we really have to manage our minds. It takes practice it takes consistency and just capture those thoughts. So they don't just run off on tangents, you know?

Claudine
Yeah. So true, such great points. Well, I know that there are many more lies that women believe but I know equally there is the truth that we are all deeply loved. We're all worthy inherently and unconditionally, and that we were created to live life to the full and To reflect God's glory.

Ashley
So listeners thank you so much for tuning back in with us for this episode on the lies we tell ourselves. If you haven't already please click subscribe and share this episode with a friend as well and also please visit us over at claudinesweeney.com and you can visit Ashley over at mindoverchaos.com for more resources. So thank you again for tuning in. And we will see you next week. Friends thank You so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #44

Do you find yourself often trying to please people? Do you struggle with perfectionism? Are you constantly striving to achieve the next big thing? Chances are you might be seeking these things to feel worthy. In today's episode we talk about common reasons why we may be looking to others for validation and specific things you can do to feel worthy just as you are now.




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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
This is Episode 44 self worth. Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Hi, ladies, welcome back with Claudine and Ashley here on the rise up and shine podcast. How are you doing?

Claudine
Hi, I'm doing well, I was gonna ask you the same how you were in the midst of fires. So there's smoke here in Northern California and I'm in Southern California, we both have local lore. So how's it up there?

Ashley
To be honest, it has been challenging, with the smoke and with school as well, I find myself running out of my mom batteries quickly.

Claudine
I bet I bet. I have to stay indoors. So there's no relief that can't go outside and run because the air quality is so poor for both Yeah.

Ashley
And you know, the pandemic. I mean, that's been a challenge in it, of itself. But with adding on the smoke, you know, we can't really go outside the air quality's really bad, and just, just the environment is just more solemn, you know, with school schools has been challenging, it's just kind of it just, you know, I think it's 2020 it's just a big bummer. You know, everything's like a bummer. And I find myself the last few days, especially trying to see the silver lining, trying to be positive in all those situations. Right. So it's definitely been challenging. With the smoke. I've been talking with our family, we had a birthday party yesterday, and we were talking about how, with the added smoke and all these fires, it's, you feel that much more trapped. You know, that more stuck. And just, this is when is this gonna end? When is this gonna end?


Claudine
Right? Well, I think that's why we want to talk about this important topic, which is self worth. Because when stressors like everything we're going through now with the pandemic, and the unrest and the fires and the smoke, it can trigger a lot of things and it could show those cracks, you know, where the cracks light and self worth is a big one. And so you know, it can show up with feeling insecure, or having a hard time making decisions. Being people pleasers, low self worth shows up in a lot of different ways we talk about that, because when we don't deal with it, it's really hard for us to live our best lives. And it's really hard to rise up and shine, shine your unique light in this world when you're not feeling very worthy.

Ashley
These stressors added on just the 2020 is really triggering those self worth beliefs, you know, or lack of worth and just feeling inadequate, how we are doing as a mom does not dictate our worth our inherent value. But of course, there's going to be things that we can grow in, we can get better at but we can be hard on ourselves. And that's what I found this whole last three weeks with started school especially. But you know, going through every day just working on those thoughts. And so which is why we wanted to bring this episode to light for our listeners, because self worth is a huge topic right now to really dive deeper, to look to look at personally, you know, and we want to help our listeners with practical tips, things they can do day to day to help manage this. And so they feel more confident, and they feel worthy and valuable, you know, just as they are.

Claudine
Right, right and low self worth shows up in many ways. But we'll we'll address the top three. And the first one is you don't feel good enough. And you kind of address that just with parenting with all this change. And homeschooling for so many moms, this is the first maybe they've never homeschooled before. Now their kids are home full time and you are in charge of managing their schoolwork along with your housework and then the other work that some women may have. So the number one is you just don't feel good enough. And this can lead us to feeling more depressed, more often than happy. That's one top sign of low self worth is I don't feel good enough. Good enough. Why good enough, Mom, good enough. Fill in the blank, you name it. Another way that low self worth shows up is you don't trust yourself or your ability. You're filled with self doubt. And that's a hard one. It's hard to live life to the full when you're full of doubt doubting yourself. And the third top way that low self worth shows up as you need the approval of others. You know that people pleasing again, if I do this and I'll get people's approval, and usually people that start struggle with low self worth have issues with boundaries. That's a big one. Just that people pleasing, you know, he's running to please others.

Ashley
Yeah, absolutely. And that's again, I can go back to my old patterns. You know, I mean, realizing that I'm the people pleaser, the codependent Yeah, you know, I have that approval addiction in need to feel like I matter, the feel I'm important that I'm valuable. And again, it's, it's not those outside things, we really want to stress for our listeners, it's not those outside sources that are going to give you your worth that are going to make you feel valuable. You know, and during this time, especially those outside sources could have such a bigger influence right now on how we feel we're doing you know, how we feel we matter or valuable. And I wanted to share cutting to one thing that has really helped me that I want to share with our listeners is that you could just ask yourself a few questions, you know, like, do you value yourself? Do you believe you believe you're important? And start becoming aware what's going on in my head? How do I really feel about myself, there is a point years ago, where I was really struggling in my role as a wife and a mom. And I tried to sit down and list my strengths, I was completely blank, I couldn't sit down and list any of my strengths. And I have a suspicion that with everything going on in 2020 many women out there are feeling that same way. Can I really see the good they are doing cannot see their strength in this moment, because of all this added burden and stress on top of them. Right?

Claudine
You know, and it's so important that we really do dig deep and understand our value and our worth, because our lives reflect our beliefs. And if we don't believe that we're worthy or valuable just in and of ourselves, and our lives will reflect that it will reflect that in our relationships, it will reflect that in the dreams and goals that we set for ourselves so flecked in our financial situation, it just all around, it's so important to dig deep, and become aware of what we believe about our value and worth. So Ashley, let's share a few practicals. How can we increase our self worth?

Ashley
Okay, yes. So the first one were affirmations, and writing them on a sticky note journaling them every morning, I even would put it on my screensaver on my phone, you can do it on your computer anywhere where you're going to see it throughout the day, many times so you can read it to yourself. And there is a point when I had to do this for myself several years ago, and I had this inner conflict. My brain ideally knew this to be true. But my heart was not caught up to my brain. You know, it's like what, in theory, I know this to be true. But I don't feel it. And I think many of our listeners can identify with that. Okay, I am important. Yeah, I know that right? I should, I should know that. But I don't feel that way. And so these affirmations are a powerful way to get your heart to catch up to that knowledge, right. And so when I had it on my cell phone, every time it lit up, I would read it, I would make sure rather than just going straight to the message that I received, I would read those affirmations to myself. And the more I did it throughout the day over and over that repetition. I felt it, I believed it. And it takes some time, but it is by a powerful way. And also if you have a challenge of writing down these affirmations, because again, it could be a struggle finding those strengths. You know, like I said, for myself years ago, when I was sitting down trying to write some of my strengths out, I couldn't do it, I was completely blank in my mind. Now if you find yourself having a challenge with that, ask your spouse, ask your children, ask your family, ask your closest friends to help you kind of compile this list. And I would recommend five things. I think that was a good number. It was easy and quick to recite over and over. It didn't take a lot of time. The next thing I recommend is self compassion, practicing passion. As we've mentioned before, we are our worst critic. The narrative that we recite in our own head is not nice, it's cruel. We can be mean to ourselves. A lot of the things we say to ourselves, we would never say to anybody else or children or bright friends never read that it's okay to say it to us.

Right. So practicing self compassion when you make a mistake. I've had to do this a lot when I would yell at my kids when I would get too upset. I get frustrated and yell at my kids. I have so much PTSD from that. You know, my early days of the coming a mom it's like, oh, I was at my worst. But I had to practice a lot of self compassion. I am human. My family loves me. I love my family. I'm doing the best I can, and just practicing that compassion on ourself as if we would have loved one or our children or spouse. So Claudine, I know you have a couple great practicals to share with our listeners as well.

Claudine
Yes. So the first one for me when I started on this journey, was realizing that my worth was inherent, that means I just was worthy, regardless of what I did, or what I look like. It was just my worth was there. And I was reminded of that by the scripture in Psalm 139, where it says, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful. And I knew that I was wanting to God's work. And I had to just start there. For me. That's why I didn't start for that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. That was the truth of it. It didn't matter where I was born, or who I was married to, or what I look like, but I was fearfully and wonderfully made. So that's where it started for me, realizing that my worth was inherent. The second one, which was a big one for me, was to stop comparing. And I know I've said this before, and I've posted it, but comparison is the thief of joy. And when I start comparing myself to others, which is really easy to do, if you're on social media, you know, it's like, oh, they have this, oh, they have that, Oh, she looks like that, or why she's lost weight. It can be really hard to feel worthy when you're comparing yourself to others. But really understanding and managing the mind, like we talked about understanding that we are all equally worthy. And the last one that really helped me was understanding our worth is unconditional. The world teaches us otherwise. But God looks at the heart. And I know that the world will again teach us about our appearances, women's financial status, the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the jobs we have, how well behaved our kids are high romantic, our husbands our ways, right?

Ashley
Actually it doesn't help with that.

Claudine
No, it doesn't know. And we can feel unworthy if our lives don't match up to what the world says, is important. And yet we know that God looks at our hearts and he's so focused on the more important thing, and then I can move forward and again, creating the life of my dreams and living life to the full because I knew that I was worthy of it. And also another thing is no self worth is an inside job. We can't look to other people and give it to us, right like that can't look to you and say actually make me feel good about me. I can't look to my husband. Hey, honey, make me feel good about me or my kid. It really is that me to feel good about me?

Ashley
Absolutely. And Claudine, I wanted to touch on what you said how our self worth is inherent. It's just we are valuable. And worthy. Just as we are, you know, we are created. We were fearfully and wonderfully made, where David wrote that God created us and knows are in most being. And most being really impacted me personally. Because I felt like, Oh, I'm allowed to have my own views. I'm allowed to have my own opinions and likes and dislikes. Because sometimes I could fall into that trap of if someone disagrees and I need to go along with what they believe. You know, if and this happened a lot in my marriage, especially earlier on in our marriage, where I would just go along I was Yes, sure. Okay. Yeah, sure. And we tease right. Even the couches in my living room are living proof of that time that old Ashley?

Claudine
Right.

Ashley
My husband liked it. Okay, sure. Okay, sure. And I went along with everything. But inside, I just didn't really care for him. But I didn't speak up because I felt Well, I need to go along with what he likes, you know, and I did that for so long. So I really was a great chameleon, because I would just go along with what everybody else wanted to do and whatever everybody else believed as Okay, okay, because that's where I was getting my value. And as you said, it's inherent, I had to really take a deep look at that. And also kind of recognize where it came from. My worth was coming from pleasing other people, I wanted to make everybody else happy. So I'm going to morph into what they want me to do or what, how they want me to think or it really what I think they want me to do, right, that a lot of it is not even what I've been told, it's just in my own head. Well, if I do this, if I go against their belief, or if I have if I disagree, then that's the end of the world. You know, I mean, it's become this big, exhausting thing. Oh, yeah.

Claudine
It's exhausting to live that way.

Ashley
It is so exhausting.

Claudine
It's a lot less work to just figure out our self worth and manage our minds and our thoughts and get that on. Right. Right and run around and please everybody else, well get our worth.

Ashley
Exactly. And that is why What can cause us to be into to be codependent, it causes us to fear rejection, right what I was doing, and I know many of you feel rejection one way or another and a lot of that goes back to our childhood and our experiences or influences we've had. And it also creates that performance mentality. Well, I need to achieve this, this and this in order to be valuable. Right, right. It could be up in your career. It could be I need to be the best mom ever, you know, where does your perfectionism come out? And I, I had to take a good look at that it was birthday parties, it was when I was hosting things it was as being a wife being a mom, I had, right, a high standard that I was trying to achieve this perfection so I could feel validated. And I could write adequate and worthy. And when we take a deep look to recognize these patterns, that okay, well, I do these things. But why am I doing these things? Well, I guess it's because I'm trying to seek something. I'm needing something in return. And one Yep, eye opening moment I had, which I want to share with our listeners, because it was just this big aha moment I had a couple years ago, I being the people pleaser, right? Like, I just want it, I want everyone to be happy. And I'm the peacemaker, and I want to, you know, make everyone's life easier if I can. And I thought I was doing it out of love. But I was doing it out of fear. I was doing a fear of not being liked, accepted. And so the motivation behind it, which I always thought was love, I'm loving these people. But if I upset the person, I would completely spiral into depression and anxiety. And I share this with our listeners, because it's something to really pay attention to. When you are doo doo doing for everybody else. Is it out of love? Are you trying to seek this approval? Or are you fearing being rejected? Like what is your self worth? wrapped up? In these outside? sources? You know, yes. approval?

Claudine
Yeah, that's a great point. I mean, that's powerful by itself. And, you know, so many of us are just worn out. I mean, forget the current situation right now. We're worn out eight months ago before all this started. And I do believe it is because we're chasing approval, we're chasing to find our value in outside circumstances and outside relationships. And, again, we are not going to live life to the full we're not going to live our best life now. When we're chasing all these things if we just sit and realize and really believe our value and our worth, as it is, which is unconditional and inherent. Then we're free. We're freed up to go do and live life to the full ride. Appreciate that.

Ashley
A place of love.


Claudine
Right exactly and not fear, right

Ashley
not fearing exactly. Well, yeah, great. Claudine it's great to have you and it's great to talk about self worth you and I have had many conversations on this just in our own friendship as well and to our listeners as well. We also want to say that we hope you can take these practicals apply them to your life every day. Manage that thinking that's going on in your head and just really feel at peace with who you are and who you were created to be and you are valuable and you are worthy just the way you are, you are already approved of. So we hope this episode has helped you again, please subscribe if you haven't already. share this episode with a friend as well that you feel may be blessed with this topic of self worth.

Claudine
And feel free to visit mindoverchaos.com or claudinesweeney.com for our free resources.

Ashley
That's right. Thanks, everybody. We'll catch you next time. Friends Thank You so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #43

When we experience conflicting emotions, it can cause us to feel confusion, guilt and shame. Maybe you are feeling grateful but guilty for being grateful. Perhaps you feel afraid and angry at the same time. There are so many layers to our emotions and in today’s episode we break down some simple steps you can take that will help you take control of those emotions so they don’t take control of you.



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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
This is Episode 43 conflicting emotions. Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Welcome, welcome. Today we're talking about conflicting emotions. As it happens in the last two weeks, I've had several conversations with women that were experiencing this. And the problem with experiences and conflicting emotions is it can create guilt, or shame or confusion or procrastination. So we thought we talked about that today. Because we all feel that we can feel love and hate, we can feel grateful and guilty, we can feel joyful and stressed out at the same time. And it creates this inner tension as we're feeling these conflicting emotions. And sometimes we feel like there's something wrong with us. I feel grateful and feel guilty, and I shouldn't feel this. And I should feel that, you know, the case of the shoulds shoulds are horrible. I know,

Ashley
Especially what's going on in our world, right? You know, the environment of our culture right now in our world with everything. I mean, this year is just crazy. I mean, I just when I think of 2020 I just shrug my shoulders like that. Right? Right. A very bizarre year. Now we have a ton of fires around California, people are losing their homes, people are losing their lives, people are getting sick people are losing their jobs. People are, you know, a very uncomfortable time emotionally speaking, right? So I can completely understand with just these conflicting emotions, especially when we feel well, things are okay. Right might have a loved one or a dear friend who's going through some serious challenges. And then you could feel guilty, you know, for oh my gosh, like, what they're going through?

Claudine
Right? Well, that's exactly it. And that's the conversation I had with one friend, where she's feeling incredibly grateful for her life and things that were going on in her life, but then had a close friend who's going through an incredibly difficult time, and then felt guilty, right, that she was having such a good life. And it was like, you know, I don't think we're supposed to feel guilty because we're grateful. But yet, we do. We're, you know, we're complex human beings, the human experience is filled with all the emotions, all the range of emotions. And yet, you know, I don't think we need to linger in guilt or shame or confusion.


Ashley
Right? Well, and those emotions are very detrimental. To our health, physical health, our emotional, mental well-being, our relationships with our everyday life, like those emotions are so heavy and can be intense. It could be debilitating. I mean, there's different levels of intensity of emotion. But those ones are felt so deeply and can just really cause some challenge. So which is why we wanted to talk about today because I think many of us are struggling with this, if not all of us.

Claudine
Well, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, I, I this pandemic thing, this quarantine pandemic, whatever you want to call it, what we thought what I thought would last two weeks, we're now in month six, if I'm not mistaken, somewhere around there a very long time, you know, Well, interestingly enough, it's really worked out to our benefit to my husband and I, his sales have increased, because more people are working at home. Therefore more people are using power their formula by looking into solar. So it's really increased his business and his income. Plus he works from home less driving less money spent on gas, all his appointments are from home, so I can feel really grateful for this turn of event. But then I feel horrible because people are dying. I mean, this is a horrible thing. This has changed everyone's lives and for far longer than any of us thought and people's lives are at stake. And I can feel terribly sad and bad for those people. And yet, at the same time, feel very grateful for how it's worked out for us.

Ashley
Yeah, I'll share too. I mean, I just kind of sparked this feeling with in my own head, that being a stay at home mom for the last 9-10 years. I feel like I should be able to handle this better. You know, like, well, it's really not that much different than what I've been writing for nearly a decade.

Claudine
Right.

Ashley
And but then I see others that are struggling or they are both working from home and they're having to deal childcare to also help with their children's schooling and just balancing all that. I feel my heart goes out to people who have those extra responsibilities. And then I feel like well, I shouldn't be feeling bad when I have hard days. Right? I just need to buckle up and be more grateful. Right? You know, because, but it's doing a disservice to me and my family as well, because then I'm feeling all the shame and guilt, like, Oh my gosh, like I had a hard day, but I shouldn't complain. And I don't need to ask for help really like I could do this. And I have this inner turmoil of conflicting emotions. And sometimes it's like, what am I do? I don't even know how I'm feeling. I don't even know what I'm feeling. And I think that's something that's really important to talk about today. For our listeners as well, who are dealing with the same conflicting right emotions. What do we do about it? Right? How do I know what I'm feeling?

Claudine
The shoulds? And Shouldn't I mean, those can create a lot of internal turmoil, because we think we should I mean, I read the Scripture, rejoice, always. And I'll say it again, rejoice. And then when I don't feel particularly joyful, I can feel really guilty and shameful. Like, I should be joyful, always. But I can be sad, I can be fearful, I can be frustrated, I can be anxious. And our emotions are like the heads and tails of a coin. They're the opposites, but they're the two sides of the same coin. And I feel like that's our emotion. That's the way we're built. We're built to feel all this wide range of emotion, same coin, just two different sides. And it's okay. And I think that's what we want to communicate today is that feeling all these emotions is okay. It's normal. There's nothing wrong with you. There's no should or shouldn't. I mean, the only time we need to seek help is if our emotions are really creating damage in our personal life. If it's if we're concerned with harm in any way, or it's really taking a toll on living our best life, then we need to seek greater help. It's okay. And like you said, How do we know a lot of times you share this a lot actually, is we feel it in our bodies. A lot of times I don't even know what I'm feeling. But my body will feel tense or my body will feel achy.

Ashley
You're exactly right. Claudine, I really paid so much closer attention to my physical sensations. And when I was going through my own healing, a couple years ago, I realized that that was where that was kind of my starting point, when I could recognize what my body was feeling where I was feeling tense, or shaky, you know, jittery, or if I can actually identify what in my body I'm feeling, then I know, okay, it's telling me something, it's telling me I'm upset about something or I'm bothered by something or I'm hurt by something or, you know, even I'm excited about right or nervous about something. But in order to be able to identify what we are feeling it, that's probably the easiest place to start is what am I feeling in my body and recognize it becomes a pattern. When we have this cue or trigger, then our body is going to automatically respond with a certain physical sensation. And then we start identifying, okay, every time this happens, my body responds this way. I believe I am feeling this emotion. And then and it you just study yourself, you know, you write with curiosity, not with judgment. Again, we say that over and over again with curiosity, but just get to know yourself and your patterns. And it will become so much easier to be able to identify what emotion I'm feeling, and what emotions I'm feeling, right, because we tend to feel many emotions at the same time. Hence, this podcast conflicting emotions, yes.

Claudine
Well, and that's such a great point. And a lot of times, we don't even know what we're feeling. And we can attach it to a thought our body might just be tense or sore, right? We don't know what we're feeling. And I think about our conscious thoughts are responsible for about 5% of our thinking. And our subconscious is responsible for 95%. So there's a lot going on under there that sometimes we're not even aware of. And so like you said, if we can get in touch with what we're feeling, then with curiosity, we can go Hmm, what thought is that attached to what belief? Am I believing like for me to believe that I have to be joyful all the time? It's going to create some tension, right? Because I don't think that's possible. I think we need to have a spirit of rejoicing and being joyful and grateful, but it's just not humanly possible to be joyful 100% of the time. Are we created for that? I mean, Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, there's a time to weep and write a laugh. Yeah, time to mourn and time to dance that teaches me that all my emotions are valid. They're God given and there's a time for each one of them.

Ashley
And that's a great point. There is a time for each one of them. I think we have this expectation that we should feel positive, happy, joyful all the time. But that's not always going to be the case. And as I referred to that purse of rejoice always. That was a verb. You know, it was used as a verb, rejoice always it's not saying feel joy every single day of your life, right, but it's okay when you're going through a challenging time when you are enduring trials. Rejoice still try to practice gratitude, you know, practice praise, practice positivity. And that will help with the healing process. It doesn't say, don't feel these negative emotions, it's while you are feeling these negative emotions, this is what will help you get through it right and process and be able to heal. And that's what we miss, because we have this expectation that we're not supposed to feel all these negative emotions. But the truth is, which is why we want to talk about it is we need to accept the negative emotions as much as the positive emotions, it's part of life. It's part of being a human being.

Claudine
Right it is. And another thing that came up this week that you and I were talking through is, what if you're an empath, and for our listeners that don't know what an empath is an empath is someone that can really take on the feelings of someone else. And it's a great quality to have, but it has its own cons as well. I mean, it's if you spend time with someone who's really negative, you might pick up that negative energy and then feel yourself very negative for some time. And you and I are both empaths. So we experienced this regular, so we've had to learn how to feel our own feelings, spend time with other people that might be going through a hard time or feeling quite opposite of us, and not take on their feelings.

Ashley
Mm hmm. Claudine, this is a topic we could talk about for an entire episode or more. Yeah, exactly. Being an empath can feel like a curse sometimes, right? We could feel grateful for it, because it allows us to have that compassion and great relationships. However, it can be debilitating. There have been times where I have had a friend or someone close to me, or even something I've read in the news, right. And I have been out of commission for weeks, right, you know, just completely devastated and depressed and anxious, and just feeling all these emotions as if I were experiencing it, right. And I have become aware of that pattern. And I've been practicing being more in control of my thoughts, right. So that way, I don't allow myself to go down that route. So deep, you know, so deep that it's going to take a lot of time to write my way out. And it does not mean we don't love the person, it does not mean we're cold hearted, right? If we allow ourselves to have boundaries, and yet, you know, emotional boundaries that I do not need to feel the extent of their emotions, but I love them, I'm praying for them, I'm here for them. And being able to work on that, you know, through that, it's, there's so much healing. So I have been able to walk with my friends through their challenges and their difficulty and remain in a healthier place, you know, and be there for them and love them and pray for them, as I said, but not get so far down in that emotional despair. And the thing that has helped, as I mentioned before, just remembering that you are a wonderful friend, it doesn't make you a bad person to separate your emotion.

Claudine
Right?

Ashley
You know.

Claudine
Well you made a great point, it's boundaries, it's emotional boundaries, and we can still empathize without having to carry someone else's feelings and feel them for them. And that's what's really helped me that it's okay, if my friend is crying, or my friend is scared, or my friend is negative. That's their experience. That's their reality. And they're free to experience and feel life any way they choose to feel and experience life and I don't have to carry their emotions for them. Now they're going through a particularly hard time, I can certainly walk alongside them and I empathize. But I don't have to carry their feelings. And that was life changing. For me, that gave me some freedom, like you said, where it didn't, I didn't keep me trapped, right with someone else's experience of life. Like I have my own experience and my own emotions, my own feelings. I don't need to carry everyone around me. And that that thought alone, just learning to, like you said, Be aware, and just deciding I don't have to carry their thoughts. I don't have to carry their feelings, I can allow them to experience it themselves.

Ashley
Right. And that is where we can move forward and grow in this area and right, become more in control of these conflicting emotions. Because when we become aware, and we're studying ourselves, we're studying our patterns, our body sensations, even our coping, and our eight years, sometimes we realize, oh my gosh, like I'm watching a lot more TV. But we don't even take a second thought of what's deeper what's going on that you're self medicating with, right? Maybe alcohol or even exercise could be a self medication or food be whatever it is leap, but to be able to get to the deeper root and then when we see that, hey, I have these conflicting emotions. And we can journal that's a great Yes. To do as well and just ponder, sit and ponder and think about what you're thinking about. And you can start identifying, especially as an empath with these conflicting emotions that I am feeling A, B and C right now. Yet these are not my experiences right now, I'm bringing these on because I, in my thoughts and my mental state, I am putting myself too far into their shoes. And that goes way beyond our responsibility as a compassionate, caring human being right.

Claudine
And honestly, if I keep myself in a healthy place emotionally, mentally, I'm in a better place to help those around me. So really, the practicals To sum it all up the practical just becoming aware, you can look like you said, at the triggers, do you notice a pattern emerging that maybe like you said, you're eating more watching more TV, sleeping more, it's probably a sign that you're feeling something and maybe bring it to the light, bring awareness to it. The second is accepting it, just accepting it, get rid of the shoulds and shouldn't look with curiosity to what you're feeling and just accept it like, wow, this is interesting. This is really interesting. This is what I'm feeling today. Another practice journaling, like he said, meditating, praying, just allowing to feel those feelings and just accept it for being part of this human experience.

Ashley
Right. And I want to make a point to for our listeners is when we talk about feeling we're talking about your emotions, and being able to identify what emotions you are feeling. And a lot of times what has kept me stuck, and many of us stuck is because we just know, I just don't feel good, right? I don't feel happy. But what does that mean? Why? Why are you feeling that way? That's like your general feeling. But let's start labeling and become specific on the emotions, right. And I also wanted to talk a little bit about the primary and secondary emotions, because this is power to be able to, to handle these conflicting emotions and kind of be more in control of it, and not run by our emotions. But the primary emotions are those basic ones, right? anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, joy. So these are the primary ones. What happens when we when a cue happens or a trigger, we feel these primary emotions, and they're fast acting, they're so brief, and then they quickly get masked by a secondary emotion. And the secondary emotion is what we tend to feel and a lot of that times it's the shame, it's the guilt, right? The anger, the fear, those deep, deep feelings, those deep emotions, and there's a route to be able to identify the secondary emotion Hey, I'm feeling angry. But then when you start exploring, and what's the situation going on around you, what's your thoughts inside of your head what you know, to start exploring, again, with curiosity, then you will start getting you'll peel back those layers layer by layer by layer and then you'll realize hey, I'm feeling angry because I'm actually feeling afraid. Right? And so then that's where you can say, Okay, I'm feeling afraid and you can start identifying I'm afraid of this that's going on right now. And so I'm reacting out of the anger right? And that is just where so much growth and healing comes when we can get down past the secondary emotion to the primary emotion and label them and then be able to start Okay, I can change my behavior I don't have to sit and self medicate. I can be asked what's going to keep us stuck, angry, depressed, yep. And unhappy and unfulfilled in life. And so when we can get to those things and be able to identify the secondary, the primary emotions and work through then we'll be able to start moving on from those moving on.

Yes. Okay, everybody. Well, that wraps up this episode. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button. And leave us a comment. If there's anything specific you guys would like to hear about on an episode. We'd love to hear more. We would love to get your input on what you would like us to talk about here on the rise up and shine podcast and also don't forget to share it with a friend as well. If this episode has blessed you in any way. Don't forget to share and spread the love. And you can find Claudine again at her website, claudinesweeney.com and you can find Ashley over at mindoverchaos.com All right. Well, thanks for tuning in and we will catch you next time.

Friends, thank you so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #42

Our words hold so much power. They have the power to build up or tear down. In this episode, we talk about the our own personal struggles with our words as well as offer practicals on how to choose our words wisely. For the betterment of our relationships and our own well-being.



Ashley
This is Episode 42 the impact of our words. Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Welcome back. Ladies. Today we're talking about the impact of our words. Who's heard that little saying sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt me. I don't know who came up with that line. So the truth is, words do hurt. And our words have the power to hurt and they have the power to heal. Or they have the power to build up or the power to tear down. And today we're going to talk about our words. So Ashley, can you think of a time where words hurt you?

Ashley
Yes, I think one of the things that has affected me even today is just even teasing. You know, as family does to older brothers, and I know they love me dearly, but I would have a good tease, you know, being the youngest sister and one of the things they would tease me honest, oh, you're such an overachiever. And it would be if I was slacking off in school. In college, I dropped a couple classes and so they were just tease, you know, I mean, good hearted. They're good hearted guys. But that has stuck with me because it kind of created this belief like oh, I guess I'm not really gonna achieve much.

Claudine
Right? Hmm.

Ashley
Yeah. What about you, Claudine?

Claudine
Well, it's funny. Last week, we talked about perfectionism. And I remember, I was probably a young teenager, and I was an athlete at my school. And I remember coming home with all these blue and red ribbons, which if you don't know, blue is first and red is second. I think I got that. Right, right. It's been a long time. Anyway, I remember coming home, so excited and showing my mom. And she said, Well, that's good. But you still have a bee in English. And I remember feeling so deflated that like, no matter how well I did, it just wasn't good enough, which was our whole topic last week, right? And I thought about that, and it stayed with me for a long time, like, Okay, I have to do everything excellently, or it's not enough. And if it's not enough, then I'm going to be unloved and judged, and, you know, not appreciated. So I remember that staying with me for a long, long time until I got old enough to my brain was mature enough that I could go, Oh, I can look back. And now see that came out of a place of her wanting the best for me with her. Her beliefs were that if I didn't have straight A's, then I wouldn't get into a good college. If I didn't get in a good college, I wouldn't have a good life. So I can look back now and see why she said that. But as a 13 or 14 year old, it made me feel like it wasn't enough that having all these victories in sports wasn't enough, because I still had to be an English.

Ashley
Right? Well, and two things. One, we always want the love and affirmation from our parents, right? We have this desire, this innate desire to please our parents, even as a teenager. Mm hmm. But also, there's the fact that as a teenager, your brain still not fully developed, right? That prefrontal cortex does not get developed until later in your 20s. And so you can't always rationalize, right? And logically say, Oh, well, this is why she said, I understand. Yeah. And that's what happens with children. And when I hear these words, and you develop these beliefs that carry into adulthood,

Claudine
Yes. Well, and I know you work with a lot of parents of young children, and you really work on just our words and our thoughts and how they impact our children. It's so important.

Ashley
Exactly. Claudine, this is something I've learned really, in the last year or two, I've really paid close attention to my words, even towards my children. I mean, my heart I know, I love my children unconditionally. But it came in the issue of discipline. You know, when I was correcting them, I realized I was either going on way too long and lecturing, there were times where my children would voice to me that I sounded harsh, or, you know, hurt their feelings. And there are other times were kind of like what your mom is, I would quickly divert to what I wasn't pleased with. Right, you know, okay, well, thanks for doing that. But you didn't do this. And I realize I was reading this parenting book that was so helpful, and it explained it just perfectly how children need to hear kind words they need to feel the love even just in our speech, you know that what words are we telling them? And we, as parents, we don't typically one we're not taught, you know, really how to be happy. To be honest, but also we can correct them too much. And so they hear constant correction throughout the day, because we're trying to teach them we're trying to help them learn. But they can get bombarded with correction after correction after correction. And we can completely ignore the fact that we're not giving them loving words, we're not building them up. And sometimes we can even inadvertently, or in some cases, advertently shame them, ya know that they are not doing a good enough job, well, you should know better is something that I hate to hear, right, you know, like, no, they shouldn't know better, because children and I've seen this a lot because I was a teacher as well before becoming a stay at home mom, and I work with a lot of parents, and I'm around a lot of families and it kind of shaming them inadvertently, that will, you should know better not to do this. But kids, my kids, they don't have their brain fully developed. And when I started really researching children's brains, it opened my eyes to even myself, even my own brain and these beliefs that I built up. And so even in my own parenting, I've become much, much more aware that I need to build my children up more way more than scold them, or correct them or, you know, feel like this needs to be a teachable moment where there is a place for that. But we need to give more praise to our children. And many of us fall short of that.

Claudine
Well, that's really good to hear. Research has shown that positive words such as peace and love, can strengthen the areas in our frontal lobes and promote the brain's cognitive function. And negative words or hostile words will actually shut down those frontal lobes and the cognitive center and trigger the amygdala, which is the fear center of the brain. And so it's really important. That's why we're talking about it today is the impact of our words, not only on our children, our spouses, our co workers, our neighbors, anybody that we come in contact with, but also on our own brains. Yeah, like there's power in the words that we speak to ourselves, the power of the words that we think to ourselves, they can literally change the structure of our brain. And a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate our physical and emotional stress. And that's just crazy when you think about it, that the words we speak and the words that we think can affect our health on so many levels and affect our relationships.

Ashley
Yeah, and when I was doing all this research on the brain and children's brains, it opened my eyes to trauma, because we've all experienced some sort of trauma way there's, it's a big trauma, or a smaller trauma, but we've all experienced traumas in our life. And it has contributed to those beliefs that we built and has contributed to the words that we say to ourselves, right children, and sometimes the words that we were spoken to as children from our parents, we will tend to speak to my children. Yeah, it's just a generational thing. You know, I mean, I kind of our parents modeled and so then we'll turn and we'll kind of parent a lot of the same ways, even if we don't mean to, even if we have decided, I'm not going to be nothing like my parents, right, you know, it still comes out it does, we have been hardwired for that type of thinking, you know, because I've been influenced by it, we all are influenced, and especially in parenting, and marriage, in any kind of relationship, these beliefs or these traumas that have contributed to these beliefs will definitely affect these relationships that we have, when I was researching the brain. And especially I was researching from the eyes of a trauma perspective, I realized that I was living a lot of this and I was starting to do it to my children. And it's not necessarily things that I was told some things that I was told I wasn't going and like calling my children names or anything like that. But it was I was inadvertently, you know, constantly correcting them, correcting them, correcting them, but not praising them enough because I had that as well, you know, I would get corrected a lot. So well. This is what parenting is, you know, you just correct your children, especially when you have an expectation like Right, well, my children to be so well behaved. And

Claudine
Did you want to be perfect?

Ashley
I did. I wanted my children to be perfect.

Claudine
Refer back to Episode 41. For help with that.

Ashley
Exactly. But really paying attention to our words. Yeah, and me specifically, I want to say that paying attention to my words, and how often I corrected versus how often I praise them, I shifted around so I praise them much more than I was correcting them. And the whole environment in our home changed. And right now, this is such a great topic for our listeners, because we are all home, there's more stress, we're in close quarters with each other. There's not you we can't really go out and take breaks, you know, and just kind of have our space from each other. And so our words could really be causing a negative effect in our home environment right now.

Claudine
Well, not only environment but my goodness the environment around us with really race relations where they are, and we have the upcoming election and you know, every side of COVID, we're hearing it, we're hearing it from both ends, we're hearing it all over. And I'm telling you the words that are out there, they have the power to hurt or they have the power to heal. Mm hmm. And right now, there's a lot of hurt going on all over the place, not only in our home, but outside. And when you were talking about just changing the environment reminded me of a Japanese experiment years ago, and this is fascinating to me. But the scientists put water in vials, he just put contaminated water in vials, and some of the files had little labels on them that said, I hate you, or fear. And some of the vials had labels on them that said, I love you and peace. And after they had sat for some time with those labels on them, he looked at the water under a microscope. Thank you. They he looked at the water under a microscope, and the ones that had the negative words on it, the shapes of the water cells were great clumps misshapen gray clumps, but the ones that had the positive words were beautiful Lacy crystals, and that just blows my mind. There's actually a whole book about that. And I the name escapes me right now, but just Google it. But it's fascinating that even labels on water affected the shape of the crystals of the water crystals. So it's just fascinating to me. So think what it's doing, to our children, to our spouses, to our friends, to our neighbors, our co workers, our words have great power. Mm hmm.

Ashley
And especially right now with the environment in our culture, and just with this pandemic, like you said, the upcoming elections and the racial and justices. I mean, there's a lot of emotion. Yeah, and just as you were saying, when we operate and speak from emotion, it's not always very healthy, right, always serve us, it doesn't always serve the people that are listening to it, or even just being around even if it's not directly related to you, me being more of an empath, I pick up on the energy and it's very uncomfortable to be around certain conversations. Yeah, and really is, it's doing a number on ourself, you know, it's not just, oh, we're just debating, or we're just having a conversation or even I think in some cases, some people are trying to educate, but it can come across in a hurtful way, you know, Because when there is emotion behind it, like I would do with my children, I try to teach my children but when there is more emotion, because they were falling short of my expectation, then they would come across as I was frustrated, I was frustrated them all the time. And so they would feel hurt. And then just like those, the water samples, and I think about it, I'm sure you've heard too, you know, when you have like these beautiful flower pots, right, and you speak nicely loving up, you know, encouraging words to one flower plant and the other one, you speak hateful things, how they would grow very differently. One who is built up, you know, with positive affirmations flourish, and the other one just didn't grow and look was dying off. And that is what happens, you know, to our children, to the people that were right, our words, right have the power of life and death. You know, Proverbs 18:21, the tongue has the power of life and death. I know, it is something that we need to take serious consideration and awareness on of how we are speaking to people.

Claudine
Yeah, well, let's, let's help our listeners with practicals to make sure that we are using our words to heal and build others.

Ashley
Right. So the first one is to be mindful. Now what that means basically, is just to become aware, be in the moment, become aware of the words that you speak, and do it with curiosity, not judgment, especially as moms and women who tend to feel so much guilt, do it with curiosity, and just study yourself just how do I speak to my children? How do I speak to my husband? How do I speak at work? You know, to the people around work? Do I gossip a lot that can happen a lot around family or coworkers a lot of gossip and talking about other people behind their back? And just really paying attention to the words that we say, are we building up or are we tearing down again, just with curiosity in the beginning, because if there is a relationship that we want mending, if we want to become the best mom that we could be the best wife that we can be just to feel good in those areas. Right? It's very important to be mindful of what words we are speaking what words exit our mouth.

Claudine
Yes.

Ashley
The next thing is be quick to listen. Quick to listen slow to speak. Now that is hard for a lot of right because we want to prove our point. We are to, you know, nail that point down and get our point across, a lot of times, it's an ego thing we want to be right. And this happens with our children, our spouse happens with any buddy we're trying to right especially in a close, intimate relationship, there can definitely become more emotion, you know, family, we can tend to just get worked up really easily. When I'm talking about politics, people can get worked up right easily or hurt feelings, or whatever it is, but be quick to listen, not so quick to speak. And to get your point across and try and prove yourself, you know, it's just quick to listen, because then our brains are going to be able to respond, rather than just react feminine emotional place. Yeah. And when we react from emotional place, that is where we can get ourselves into trouble. That's when we say things that are hurtful. And that can damage people it can damage their self esteem can really damage our children or relationships, you know, and ultimately ourselves as well, very hurtful on our lives and our own well being.

Claudine
Oh, that's a great point. And some of us are quick to speak, because we're going to forget our thoughts. But what happens after a certain age.

Ashley
Then maybe it's not that important? Well, I've had to come up with that. If really, there's a point that you want to say, and you got to interrupt interrupt, because this happens with my husband and I, if I have to wait, and it completely escapes my mind. I'll tell myself, Well, maybe it really wasn't that important.

Claudine
Yes, maybe it wasn't. Or maybe you're over 50. I'm not sure. And another couple helpful, that have been really good for me, Are I Think about an Ephesians four where it says do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for building up others according to their needs. And that was really big for me, because I felt like a lot of times when I was speaking, I was speaking out of my needs, like if I was frustrated with my husband, or my children, and I would snap or say something, maybe it made me feel good, like, Okay, I got that off my chest, I was able to unload on them, which again, Only tears down, it doesn't build others up. But really being mindful about are these words going to really help or heal. And the other thing is repetition. What I say continually, are often and what I think often the words that I allowed my brain, that repetition is how those neural pathways are built, and then it becomes our default, right? So those two things, just really making sure that the words I speak are gift that they're there to help others to encourage one another daily to build others up according to their needs. Not that I can't share things that are troubling me or upsetting me. But there's a way that our words can be kind, they can be loving, they can be respectful. And then just being careful with repetition, making sure that the words I speak and think really serve me they serve my best self, not my you know, ego or not my lower self, which is wanting to prove that I'm right always wanting to be right or make my point or unload this emotional energy that I want to just vented. Like I was talking with a friend last week we were talking about, you know, sometimes we're like Insta pots, and we have to let that steam out. But you know, if you do that repetitively, then now it's just being it's gonna become a default. Instead of on occasion, there is a time to let the steam out. But making sure that we don't tear others down in the process.

Ashley
Right? Well, venting is different than complaining. I think in the sense where venting is just you just kind of need to get some of this emotional Yeah, out. We're complaining as an ongoing thing, right? You just constantly right lane about this relationship or this situation. And the more you focus on it, the bigger it becomes like this reality, just the right use your emotions. And I know that and this week, this weekend, actually, my husband and I had a few little tips here and there. And I was painting my daughter's room. So I had a lot of time to think. And I would notice myself as I'm painting I would kind of be ruminating on right conversation. And then the thoughts were coming back like I don't like when he does that, right. That's not fair. And I didn't do anything wrong or you know, whatever it was, but I'm just like focusing on this whole conversation. And the more I focused on it, I can feel inside me getting more angry and upset and just want to like, I need to give them a piece of my mind.

Claudine
Did your crystals become ugly gray clumps?

Ashley
You know, I think so.

Claudine
They weren't beautiful lacy crystal.

Ashley
No, I cannot say in those moments. They were beautifully Yeah, lacy crystals, but it was a great moment for myself because I was thinking in my head and I saw where it was going. I wasn't reacting to him. Out of my frustration and my hurt so many years of our marriage. I would react to him out of my pain and it just did not help me. Marriage, right? And it caused a lot of challenges because then I would get triggered and he would get triggered and we kept reacting to each other. And it just was a vicious cycle. But this time as I was painting and I was thinking about the situation, I was able to use the logic, the logical, fully right formed prefrontal cortex to actually rationalize the conversation, right and get my amygdala to calm down and right. so worked up that this was a survival issue, and I need to, you know, fight. But it helps me to really look at the situation from a practical way and a logical way and then be able to respond better, right? It was I was slow to speak, I was Yes Really dialoguing in my head, rational conversation that I can have with them that would help serve Me and him and our relationship and not just emotionally attacked rather,

Claudine
Exactly. Well, that's a great point. And as we wrap up today, we want to leave you with some positive encouraging words, you are awesome, you are loved, you are tough, you are courageous, you are brave, you are a fighter, you are strong, you are not alone.

Ashley
Those are really great Claudine. I love these. And I want our listeners to really take these to heart because these are things that we can speak in our relationships to our children, to our spouses, to our friends, to our co workers who need a little encouragement. And they're also things that we need to speak to ourselves a little bit more to. And just as we talked about repetition, our brain uses repetition to build those neural pathways. Well, let's make sure that we're repeating these things to ourselves as well, because it's really going to help our well being is going to help our relationships really just thrive in the long run. So thank you everybody again for tuning in today. And we will catch you next time.

Friends Thank You so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #41

What if what you were working so hard at perfecting is actually already good enough? Many of us may struggle with this idea. Why do so many of us strive for perfection? Are we seeking validation? Approval? Maybe we're afraid we'll be judged if we aren't the best. Or perhaps, we feel we will hold value or worth in society if we achieve something significant. In this episode, we share some of our own struggles with perfectionism, we discuss the tolls perfectionism can have in your life and on your well-being, as well as, tips on how to overcome.



Ashley
This is Episode 41 good is good enough.

Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Welcome back ladies to the rise up and shine podcast. Claudine and Ashley here together again in our recording studio.

Claudine
That's right. Spent a little while it's good to see your face. It has been a little while we've been traveling this summer, but here we are today together.

Ashley
But it's gonna be short lived again. Right?

Claudine
Right. I'm back on the road again in three days.

Ashley
Wow. And where are you going? This time?

Claudine
Next trip is up the Oregon coast from California to Oregon. We are having severe weather here. We're having heat in the hundreds plus and humidity. So we're going to the Oregon coast.

Ashley
I'm jealous. I want to go. My kids just started school. So we're home down now.

Claudine
Oh, there you go. I guess it's important to get schoolwork done.

Ashley
Yeah. Next so yes. Well, everybody today we are talking about good is good enough. Now what does that mean? Well, we're going to talk about perfectionism. I think many of us struggle with perfectionism. I know I do plenty and you said you do as well. And we want to focus on a few key aspects of this topic. So today we're going to be diving a little deeper into what does it mean good is good enough. So Claudine? Do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

Claudine
I do actually consider myself a recovering perfectionist. So certainly in my teens and my early adulthood. I thought perfectionism was an ideal that I could achieve, right. And as I matured, I realized I could not. And so I have overcome it in some degree. But the point is, really, once you're perfectionist, there's still some roots in there. So it's a constant work of overcoming perfectionism. I love that we're talking today about good is good enough. That's been my mantra for the last few years, just realizing and believing that good is good enough. It's been incredibly helpful for me. And Ashley, there's so many tools to perfectionism.

Ashley
Oh, yeah.

Claudine
Why don't you share some with our listeners?

Ashley
Oh, for sure. So first thing is, it adds unnecessary stress. Yeah, to our lives, even on our own physical bodies, it just adds stress that we don't need. And we all try to eliminate stress in our life as much as we can. And this is one area where it's good to take a hard look at it. Okay, what area of my life am I? Am I being a perfectionist? Where am I having this high expectation of myself? And to recognize that and to try and curb that a bit right? That perfectionism is not necessary, perfectionism is this unrealistic goal that we could have? Again, it as frustration, right? realize we're going to constantly be frustrated, because we're striving for something that's not going to happen most likely? What? What I can never reach being perfect. If you do, please share with me, but I'm gonna say, you know, burst your bubble a little bit. No, unfortunately. But we hold this height expectation over ourselves, and we're going to get frustrated, we're going to get disappointed, because we're not going to reach this extremely high standard that we have for ourselves. It also can really lower our self esteem, right? It will feel like a failure where we feel like we're not doing a good enough job in parenting a good enough job at our work. a good enough job in our marriage. I'm not a good enough wife. I struggled with that a lot. You know, I tried to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect house cleaner, right? Have rails perfectly clean, with perfect lunches for my children and you know.

Claudine
Perfectly staged every day of the day with all those lovely children living in it.

Ashley
Yes, but I was feeling so little about myself because I just felt like I was constantly failing, right? constantly falling short. It also causes decisiveness. Now I struggle with this a lot in decisiveness. And it causes so much anxiety as well, which is another thing anxiety it we right now, especially with being home working from home, this pandemic, we're really wrestling with our male mental health and emotional health that much more. And perfectionism could really be taking a toll on us right now. And we could be causing a lot more anxiety. And it's also discontent right? Because a lot of men in our lives are unhappy because we have yet to reach this mark that we have set for ourselves.

Claudine
But what's interesting is that perfectionism is driven by a desire Avoid failure and judgment. Yeah, but perfectionism in itself produces failure and self doubt, right. So it's kind of this catch 22 I mean, the very thing that we're driven to avoid, we create in our life, because we can't achieve perfectionism. And yet we're trying to avoid failure or judgment, we're seeking really, it's a desire to feel loved and accepted. And as we struggle with being imperfect, it's the very things that we're creating in our life that we're not having. I know, for me, in my teen years, I really struggled with an eating disorder, I thought, if I had the perfect body, then my boyfriend would love me, then my friends would accept me and I popular if I could just hit that perfect weight. And the truth of it is I got thinner and thinner and thinner, and I was completely unrelatable. To my girlfriends around me. I mean, the last person they wanted to spend time with was me, who is ultra thin, which, in a weird way, was kind of competitive on their part. And then who didn't really eat anything? I mean, what fun is that? What fun is having a friend that doesn't need being said by a woman who just ate, ate fried pies with her dear friend in Nashville, on our annual road trip, but it really, honestly cause the very things I was trying to avoid?

Ashley
So essentially, we cause our own pain, right? When we are striving for this perfection. Now, in any area of our life, right? Here anything?

Claudine
Well, what's interesting is then I became a Christian in my 20s. And then I started reading, like in Matthew five, where it says be perfect. It gave my overachieving self, yet another motivation to try to attain perfection, which, of course, we know is not possible. So what do you say to that? Actually, what do you say to other women who read them think See, I need to be perfect.

Ashley
Right? Colossians 3:23 is a very popular one, right? And whatever we do, do as if you're working for the Lord, not for man. And I really take that scripture to heart because it takes a lot of pressure off for me personally, that I don't have to expect myself to be perfect. And also, I'm working for God, God sees our heart. So really, it comes down to our efforts, whatever are we putting into whatever it is we're working at, you know, whether it's being a mom, a wife, a worker, a friend, and our own physical health, even some of us might have lost our jobs during this pandemic, you know, are you putting your best effort looking for another job, or a stay at home moms like myself, and my putting in my best effort to care for my family? Or my husband has specific needs that are very important to him, like the budget? And the budget? Am I honestly doing my best and meeting that need for him? You know, and it's, again, I can feel like I'm failing as a wife. But sometimes we have to take a hard look inside of ourselves, like, what effort Am I really putting forth? Right?

Claudine
That's a great point, you're really distinguishing between the effort and the results. And I know for myself, when I struggled with perfectionism, it was really always all about the results. It was never about my efforts, right. And so I appreciate making that distinction that we can do something wholeheartedly and really make great effort and have excellent efforts. But our results, that's we're never going to achieve perfection there.

Ashley
When you think about it, what did culture teach us growing up? You know, I mean, you need to strive for the A every time right? Well, you're not doing that great of a job if you did not get the A on the right. And if you got to be some parents would even pay their children. You got an A I'll give you money if you got to be sorry. Yeah, get that a next time. Yeah. Sports. Right, right. Another one. And especially nowadays, even I know, we've always struggled with our physical appearance and how we look and present ourselves. But now with social media. That's that comparison. I mean, we're constantly looking at others and comparing and because feel like we need to look our best. Our Instagram needs to be the best Look, I asked and our family photo needs to be the best. To be honest. That's one reason we have not done family photos. Because I'm like, my kids can't even look at the camera and smile all at the same time. Yeah, they don't even wear we don't wear matching clothes. It's not going to be perfect. So I'm not even going to bother.

Claudine
So you're going to take this advice that good is good enough. And you're coming out with a Christmas photo this year.

Ashley
Yes. And probably a realistic one holding you to it. I want one. But you know, I mean, we've been ingrained with this idea that we need to be perfect, right? We as children, we do catch on to that, you know, and we my husband and I, we talk to our children all the time that when we're correcting them when we're trying to teach them we always reiterate we're not expecting you to be perfect, but we expect you to give your best right back to you to do your best efforts. That is where a lot of us, we didn't get to talk that when we were young, no, you know, it was about the results, right, I need to graduate this specific college and I need to get this degree or I need to get this specific job, or I need to work my way up the ladder to make this amount of money. You know, I mean, it's this results driven idea that can cause us to feel like need to strive and strive and strive for perfection, yet is doing a lot of damage in our own well being right?

Claudine
It really does. It really attacks our self worth if we don't reach that level of perfectionism that we're striving for. And you know, another distinction is that excellence is not perfectionist, it's difference. And again, it relates to the effort versus the results. And I think, even for me raising four children, we were able to distinguish that with them with their studies per couple of our kids, it was really easy for them to get A's, they actually didn't have to put a lot of effort. And we had another child that it was much more challenging even for them to get a B or a C, they had to put a lot of effort into it. And so it's a great point, because the effort is really what we need to focus on, not the results,

Ashley
When you think about it, too. I do this a lot. As a mom, I really reflect a lot on what I'm teaching my kids and I'm teaching them and parenting them in a way that they're little adults. So what can I teach them now that they are going to need as adults? And does it matter as much if they reach this specific goal? Or is it that I want them in whatever they do to just give their very best effort? Are you doing your best work? Are you giving your best focus your attention, you know, are you striving for excellence, like you said, but it's not necessarily in the results. It's more in our attitude and our effort about it. And I think that is going to what that is going to be carries them through hard times, right relationships, challenges and their future job maybe with a co worker or a future boss, right? A lot of that is going to be these great principles that they learn is Foundation, they that they built prayerfully. Right, when they come across those things, they won't have this unnecessary burden on them. But they have to be perfect. It's not yet a results thing. But putting in their best efforts is really what's important.

Claudine
Right. And then the other part of it is realizing that on our own apart for God, we can do nothing. We all fall short, every single one of our best, our best acts are besties our best achievements really fall short of everything. And I think about the story about Mary, Martha and I love that that really helped me. Because in that story, Martha was so busy preparing everything and being upset that her sister Mary wasn't helping her as she's going to be hospitable. She probably want to make sure her house was perfect and meals perfect. There was probably a lot of pressure on her to make sure everything was just right. And yet, when Jesus talked to her, he said, you know, Martha, Martha, you know, Mary chose what's best, only one thing is needed. And that's obviously focusing on him. And I think for me, that really helped me that if I could do that excellently, everything else would fall into place, and that my self worth my acceptance, to feel loved all that really came from my relationship there.

Ashley
Mm hmm. And when we think about it, when we are striving to be perfect, it takes out our faith really right from the equation, because we're trying to control or we're trying to be self reliant. And it's really taking out God's heart, like what he really can do God. Right. Our and we're not very faithful when we are trying to take charge and just, I'll get it done. I'll do it. I'll do it.

Yeah, no. And so and that's what can happen when we strive for this perfection. It's more about those results, and less about our heart and our faith. Right. And really what we're doing is we're trying to seek our worth, from outside people, right, anywhere outside of ourselves and outside of God. Yeah, we're we're trying to seek this, so forth, you know, and so it's important to recognize that this perfection, it's coming from something much deeper. And it's just important to remember that we are already worthy the way we are, I mean, God created us who we are. And when we are living that authentically, then we're not going to feel this need to strive for this perfection, this ideal perfect self, right? It's not going to exist, right? And we're not going to struggle as much with the frustration and the decisiveness and the low self esteem and you know, because we are secure in who our identity is, you know, yes, secure and who we are in Jesus. And another thing to remember is just the awareness right like this goes into the practicals is just being aware of the areas Where we strive for this perfection and why, why are we striving for this perfection one of the areas was like, I was just painting my daughter's room. And I needed this big accent wall. And I taped off these shapes I was painting and you know, with the tape on the textured wall, the paint bleeds a little. And I was going through the paint restroom, get every little gap, you know, dry, fill it in, fill it in, and I was reciting this to myself good is good enough. Good is good enough. Good is good, right? Actually, a peaceful mantra was it was soothing for me because I had this expectation to be perfect. And with creativity. This is one of the things where my perfectionism comes out, whether it's painting, whether it's my children's birthday parties, like I love to create things, and my perfectionism comes out, but I, it took me several years to realize I was doing it because of approval. I was wanting approval, I was wanting affirmation from people, I wanted people to look at me like, wow, like this big accomplishment like I did today, when I saw like that. You're to serve. Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. You filled that void for me with that. But that's what we're doing it we're trying to fill this void, right, we're trying to feel worthy. We're trying to feel accepted, and from outside people. And this is a huge driving factor for perfectionism in our lives. And one more thing I wanted to add that I really learned personally, as a mom, is that I love my children imperfectly, because that is yes, Gary, I try to be this perfect Mom, I try to make the perfect lunches and, you know, pick out the perfect clothes, and, you know, make sure everything's all perfect, and that I even don't fall short. Right? When I'm parenting. You know, I mean, it's this absurd ideal that I had in my mind. But it's because I want to be liked, I want to be approved. I want to write this worth, you know, that I'm doing as a mom, because especially as a mom, you know, I've said this in the past that when you get purpose, like you could first mom guilt right away to like, you're just gonna feel guilty about anything and everything. So just reminding yourself that I love my children and perfectly and that's okay. I'm not a perfect person, you know, I'm going to make mistakes. I own them. I apologize for them. But I will love my children and perfectly and my parents loved me and perfectly and right it is what it is. And that is okay.

Claudine
Yes. So you've been applying this principle to your parenting and your relationships there. And I've been applying this principle to my business. Because like you mentioned earlier, one of the effects of perfectionism is paralysis. And so we can get stuck, feel really stuck, like, Okay, well, I'll launch my business. When I've gotten all of this done. It's kind of like when everything is perfect.

Ashley
All the ducks are in a row.

Claudine
Right? Which, you know, how often does that happen. But my business coach is really big on teaching, take massive, imperfect action. And I love that because you don't wait to do it perfectly, you just do it imperfectly, and then you're still gonna get results. So truth of it is done is better than undone. And if we wait to do it just right and do it perfectly, it'll never get done. And that's been really helpful. Like I, as you know, I recently wrote a book, it'll be out this fall. And, you know, it's imperfect. It's not a perfect book. And I told him, I kept telling myself good is good enough, is good enough. And the truth is I got written in five days. Now I have seen content editing, and then in a couple weeks, it'll be in formal editing. And those people will help it make better, but I could have been frozen and never written a word if I had to make it perfect like, and I felt that I really did feel that for a couple weeks. I'm like, I don't have anything to say. But then I did have a lot to say. And then I'm like, What if it's not great, and I got so stuck. And then we went away to the cabin. And I just wrote for five days straight I just wrote and I kept telling myself good is good enough, good is good enough. And it's great, because there'll be other people there to catch any, you know, blu ray mistakes. So that was super helpful for me. And the other thing was don't compare, you know, don't compare, like if I start comparing myself to, I don't know, some great American novelist, I'm never gonna put this out there. But you know what good is good enough. And I keep telling myself that and again, do you know where you started where you are, start right once or save them years in advance? Right? Don't compare Oh, here's a practical to overcome perfectionism. Do not compare yourself to anybody else. And just make a decision. That was the other thing, make a decision and stick to it. I made a decision to do this in my business, and I stuck to it. And honestly, whether it's perfect or imperfect or good enough, I feel good about myself. And my self worth is increased because I did something I said I was gonna just I honored my commitment to myself.

Ashley
And that is a very hard thing because we're not held accountable. Right, right, like by a boss or right but he does rely on us. And so it's so much easier to break those promises right to ourselves. That's what happened with exercising, during the pandemic? Yeah. I mean, I came up with all these excuses and also with the rebuilding my business, right when my content and I, again, like I can definitely take this because, but the pandemic and hurting the kids home, I've kind of fallen off the wayside for a little bit like taking this long break, right? I was okay, when the children get in school, then I'm gonna go for this and start building up more of my business.

Claudine
Cause we thought that this would only be two weeks or two months, right? Yeah, here we are. What what are we in five months into it?

Ashley
I lost count I at least I know. We're in 2020. So yeah, and it's August. We know that much. Oh, yeah. The heat is definitely reminding me It's so hot. 109 for like, seven plus days.

Claudine
Yes.

Ashley
So we might be a little delirious today, fellas, but that's okay. So but yes, again, I that perfectionism can keep me from working on my price. You know, it's like, I need all these things to be perfectly in line. And then it's all going to work out perfectly. And like you said, with you making a decision that in decisiveness, as long as you make a decision. You feel good, you feel accomplished. And it ends up being the wrong decision. There's no shame and just right, well, then let's try this other idea I had, right. You know, it's the end, decisiveness is what's going to keep us frozen and stuck.

Claudine
Yeah, I mean, better to learn from our mistakes than right. I think it all from doing nothing. Right. So then.

Ashley
It's depressing. Yeah. I mean, I live there for several years, yeah, feeling completely paralyzed, right, and just unhappy and discontent and there are decisions that need to be made. And I need to kind of lower these standards. Really.

Claudine
Yeah, I just, I just aim for B work. That's the way I look at it, like, I'm just gonna do B work. It's not that I don't want to do A work I do. But I don't put my pressure on myself. Like it's not A, it's worthless. So now I'm like, Okay, I'm just going to strive for B. And the truth of it is that relieves so much pressure, right. And then I feel so much more creative and at peace, that ultimately I probably do produce A work. It's funny, but if we're aiming for A, we get so stuck, that if we produce anything at all, it's probably C or D. And so that's been very freeing for me, like, I'm just going to produce the work, that's kind of good and good is good enough formal school, and it's very freeing. Like, I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have a bus, then I feel at peace, I feel relaxed, the pressures off and I can just create, do and go forward, and it ends up pretty good after all.

Ashley
Yeah, and I want to remind our listeners too, that it takes time. Because in the beginning, when we are already wired, our brains already wired to strive for this perfection and this expectation we have of ourselves, it's gonna take time to rewire that, renew our thinking pattern, right? And remind ourselves good is good enough just to get it done. You know, that's a huge accomplishment right there. And whatever we're striving for, just feel good in your work, feel good in your effort, feel good in your attitude about it, you know, that just remind yourself and it does, you kind of have to coach yourself, you know, right through it. And then but the more you keep reminding yourself and reaffirming yourself that it gets easier because you're building those new neural pathways. And you're changing your thinking to a healthier standard, right, and then your brain is going to start following that new thinking pattern. And then it just becomes easier. So in the beginning, I just want to remind our listeners, it will feel hard, it will feel impossible, but it's temporary, it will get easier as you're renewing this thinking.

Claudine
Yeah, I mean, this podcast is a perfect example of how I threw that in there. Because if we had tried to make a perfect podcast, we'd still be editing forever. And we wouldn't have hit Episode 41. Because truly, this is not perfect, but it is good enough.

Ashley
Speaking as the one who does the editing for this podcast is very true. I tell myself that a lot. I mean, I can spend hours and hours editing, and I realize it's, it's, it's good. It's good. And when I ask other people, hey, how does it sound like this sounds great. But in my own head, I can get stuck.

Claudine
I know you've really trained me not to click and not to move and not to touch papers while reading. But it is good enough and that is very freeing and de-stressing, is that a word de-stressing? Un-stressing? Yes, it is now.

Ashley
It is now if it's okay, but I'm pretty sure it is.

Claudine
So hopefully today we hope that you have come to see that good is good enough. take some pressure off yourself. Enjoy your relationship. Your work, your business, if you have a business, whatever it is you do, I hope you're focused on the efforts and not the results. And we'll leave you with what Psalm says in Psalms 18:32. It is God who earns us a strength and he makes our way perfect. Until next time, ladies, be good, and do good.

Ashley
Friends, thank you so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #40

During this pandemic it has been challenging for many of us to keep up with caring for our bodies. Oftentimes, it is unintentional yet we have found ourselves in a rut with our health. We may have gained some weight, our sleep schedule is off and we may have stopped moving our bodies because we can't seem to find the time or we are just too stressed out. In this episode, we talk about several important factors for physical health so you can start feeling good again in your mind and body.





Ashley
This is Episode 40. Reclaiming your health.

Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
A lot of times we talk about our mental health today we're actually going to focus on our physical health. So Ashley, how's it going for you?

Ashley
Do you want the real answer, or you want the answer that I want to give you? The honest answer?

Claudine
Nothing but the truth here.

Ashley
That's kind of the answer right there. Right? Well, it's been hard. It's been hard with this quarantine thing, you know, I mean, I'm not making as many trips to the store. And so we tend to run out of the fruits and vegetables quite fast in our family. So I've definitely been munching a lot more just on snacks throughout the day and exercise. I'm just now getting back on track. But that was you know, that was that was a tough one that was one that I prided myself in because it really made me feel good. When I was going on my runs. And I had a goal. You know, I had goals that I wanted to do runs this year. And so that was tough. Even emotionally That was tough on me, you know, I would go to bed. I'd be like, man, I didn't exercise again today. But also I was just so tired. I didn't feel like doing it. So my exercise went out the window. I was just not eating Great. So I just really overall wasn't feeling great. Physically, I did gain some pounds and like, wow, what is it?

Claudine
How did this happen?

Ashley
How did that number get there on the scale? What's going on here? But yeah, it's not too great. Not too great for me. What about Claudine?

Claudine
Well, for me, um, I continue to watch what I eat better than exercise. So I've done none. I I tend to walk pretty consistently, but we've been traveling a lot and couch surfing and between houses right now. So exercise for me has gone down the tube. So in and we talked about this on last week's episodes of habits, right, but you know, I can make excuses like, well, when the gyms open? Oh, yeah, get back to you know, Pilates, then I'll exercise. And it's just those thought patterns that, you know, don't help me stay in the habit. So my healthy habits have gone down the wayside. That and because we have been traveling for months, my food intake has changed somewhat as well.

Ashley
Yeah. Especially staying in other people's house to visiting family friends.

Claudine
You just see what's put before you.

Ashley
Yeah, exactly.

Claudine
That's what a good girl does she just eats what's put before her even if it's not what she normally. Thank you. So it certainly has made an impact on Oh, I bet I wait. I don't own a scale. So I kind of spare myself. I'm looking at the numbers. I can just kind of tell how my clothes fit. Yeah, that's I got rid of scale years and years and years ago. So I kind of know like, as soon as my pants start getting really tight, then I know Okay, I gotta take it easy. It's been going back and forth for the last couple months. Like

Ashley
I've been sitting down when I get in my car and I Oh, let me um, button that top button.

Claudine
Yeah, and I get to that point, then I know. Okay, I gotta watch it. Good. This isn't good. But, but the other thing that's been a real challenge for me has been my energy levels. Yeah, I think it's a combination of the poor food intake and the lack of exercise. So I feel a thing a lot more like I told you granted, we're staying in a room right now with blackout curtains, though, doesn't help. But we talked about how it's last week, and I know after recording that episode, I made the decision that I was going to set my alarm earlier and get up specifically Not that I need to I don't have anything waiting for me. But I do feel better when I'm just up early and get my day started. Yeah, I do need to make a concentrated effort on exercising even if that's just doing a few push ups and sit ups in the bedroom or taking an extra long walk, just doing something.

Ashley
You know, it's ironic because we think Well, we're so tired. I don't have the energy to exercise, right yet. Actually, it's when because we're not exercising, we're feeling more tired, right? And I knew that just from the past, you know, when I wasn't exercising, and I was feeling tired and I knew the the benefit of exercising on that area of my life that I wasn't so fatigued, especially being home with young kids and taking care of the house and my husband has a very stressful job. So a lot of it is on my plate. And I like I just learned I learned from my past you know that when I exercise I have more energy, but it's easy sometimes to go back. You know, like we talked about even in our last episode, the habits Those neural pathways that are already conditioned in our brain already paved out, it's so much easier to go back to those old ways of doing things. And I think, with this pandemic, all of us did, all of us have reverted back to our usual way of doing things, you know, how we have paved those neurological pathways in our brain. And I saw that I saw I, that's right, I'm tired, because I'm not exercising, right, and I wasn't eating good, I wasn't feeding my body, you know, great things. It's like trying crumpled chips and put it in a plant. Good luck with that. You know, it needs water, it needs those, the fertilizer, it needs those things to the healthy things, the nutrient as do we. So if we're not feeling good, it probably could be that, you know, we just need to be looking at our intake, we need to be looking at our exercise, sleep, also, water is huge. So that's why this episode is going to be really great, because it's something we all can relate to. And we've had many conversations with clients, with friends with family, even just within ourselves. I mean, we've seen it that this quarantine has done a number in all facets of our life. And this is one huge one that we wanted to take focus on today. Yeah, and even for me Claudine, I know, exercise was a big one for me. And I would exercise when I was going through my counseling to to get myself to a healthier place emotionally and mentally as exercise was huge. Exercise has such a benefit on our mental and emotional health, not just our physical health. And that's really why I chose to do it. I knew you didn't, you know, exercise is good for your physical health. But when I was really suffering and just in a lot of emotional pain, and I saw the benefits, when I started exercising on a consistent basis that I felt happier, I felt more confident my mood just boosted I felt better about myself, I felt just better in general, you know, I experienced more happiness. And it just eased a lot of stress, at least, you know, I just felt more at peace. And that was one thing that became really, really passionate about going through this in my own personal life. One of the reasons why I wanted to become a life coach certified life coach is because I wanted to share these things I learned with other women, especially other moms, you know, with young kids still at home. And it was really cool. Because when you and I, you know, we've been friends for years, but as we started sharing these things, and it's, you know, finding the same things that worked were like, Oh my gosh, we need to do that we need to talk about this stuff. And, and I wanted to dive into a little bit because this is what what really related with me personally, and I know it can relate with our listeners out there as well as specific benefits that exercise does have on our mental and emotional well being.

And one of those things is when we exercise, it releases the endorphins in our brain, which helps us Calm down, it releases anxiety, which I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, especially in the last two months, my anxiety level just went was going through the roof, and I oh my gosh, it's out of control what is going on. And I know these things, so I had to really implement them again, you know, kind of adjust to the circumstance of being home and I have some limitations, right with my children and, and the free time or the, you know, not going to a gym or just trying to exercise anywhere. YouTube, I highly recommend YouTube for some of you. But it really reduced my anxiety, you know, it's not completely gone. But it helps so much. It just helps me feel better. Another one that was in the past, when I was really struggling with depression, it helps boost our mood, you know, we feel better, and especially when we're exercising and we're the clothes are fitting a little bit better. You know, it does help boost our self esteem and our confidence that we do feel better overall. And it really helped me in my depression I like I would say I exercise for my brain, I exercise for my brain. It wasn't necessarily for my body, it was for my brain. Just because my mental health was really taking a hit at that point in my life. It also reduces that cortisol levels. And that cortisol is the stress hormone that just can flood our body and all of us are in a stressful situation. Very much so and those who have work to do, even if they're trying to work from home, have their kids at home, especially oh my gosh, I mean my heart went out to those parents who had to work from home and help do distance learning for their children. I just I just can't imagine I was so grateful I didn't have that typical eight to five job and have to do the distance learning thing that just would have been too much. For me, I say it's important to remember that cortisol in the long term can have such a damaging effect on our bodies and our mental health. And so exercising is really great and lowering those levels, and just helping us feel good overall, you know, and again, it just improves our mood. And lastly, what I wanted to point out is it improves our cognitive function. When I when I was going through counseling, I was told, well, you have a DD, I'm like, Wow, well, that explains a lot, right? Like, I can't focus on one thing. And I realized that when I started exercising, it really helped me focus better, it helped my prefrontal cortex function better, I really did believe that that helped. And there's research that backs that up as well, that it helps us with focus, it helps us with learning decision making. And just those executive functions of the prefrontal cortex really improved, even just with exercise, and I got to live that out. And so it just really fueled the passion that I have to share with other women because it really transformed my life. My emotional and mental well being.

Claudine
That's great. And, you know, it ties directly into the next part of taking care and reclaiming our physical health is what we're eating. And during this time, a pattern that's come up a lot with family and friends and clients is overeating. That's been a thing I know, even for me, personally, it's so easy to overeat. Because I'm home more than a hammer, even though I typically work from home now that everything shut down. I'm just home. And that boredom and that restlessness. You know, that's for me some of the reasons we talked about habits last week, and unhelpful habits. And for me, that's one of mine is I eat out of boredom, or restlessness, it's just become a habit. Hmm. And so over eating has been a really popular theme. Unfortunately, these last few months for so many of us. And honestly, there's only two reasons that we overeat. One is over hunger, and that can be caused by different hormones and different foods we eat, they can actually stimulate our hunger. And the other is over desire, which is more based on our cravings and our urges. And so many of mine are from over desire. I desire to eat, I really enjoy eating, it's probably one of my favorite hobbies. But I also desire to be healthy, and fit into my clothes. So therefore, I have to take particular attention to that. And our health for many of us, suffers when we overeat or eat the wrong thing, right. So that's an important thing to take into consideration is we're looking at our health. And one of the reasons that we overeat when we're over desiring is because we really are trying to numb those emotions, those emotions, we don't want to feel I mean, no one wants to feel stress. No one wants to feel frustration. No one wants to feel anger, right? All those things. So we eat because temporarily it doesn't um, it numbs us feelings, we don't have to feel them. Like, I don't feel stressed. When I'm eating ice cream. I feel actually very peaceful and blissful.

Ashley
But you It makes sense. Because being home with our families all the time just really raised those emotions.

Claudine
Yes. And we don't want to feel them. There's right we're there's a part of us that for most of us, I know, at least for myself, I wasn't taught how to feel my feelings. We say that all the time heal the feelings. Well, I wasn't taught how to do that my negative ones, the quote unquote, negative ones. Those that had to be done privately, right? Like, every time I cried when I was I was little my mom would tease me it was like, Oh, she's tired. You know, like, Oh, yeah, you know, so I didn't learn how to feel and express those, quote unquote, negative emotions. So now that I've grown up and done the work, I can feel me It can be okay. In fact, I think it was Friday or Saturday of this past week, I wasn't feeling great. I was just, you know, we're in between house transitions. So we're kind of kind of living out of a suitcase. And I wasn't feeling great that day, bad at all. And my husband wasn't either and we were both talking about it. And we just looked at each other, like, you know what, it's just today. And it's just a chapter and it's gonna end and it's okay that we both feel this way. today. We just both feel blah. That's great. It's okay. And we were okay with it. And you know what, the next day we're both fine. It's not the greatest like, but it's okay. We just felt it. We didn't resist it. We didn't react to it. We didn't shame ourselves or feel guilty or get down on ourselves. None of that. So we just felt it. We acknowledged it and we moved on. I didn't eat because of it and right. Damn it. Right. I didn't mean to me, I didn't need to eat to numb it because I expressed it. I felt it and I expressed it. And then we just menu accepted it. We accepted. It is what it is for today just for today. So along with exercise healthy eating is a big part of it eating when we're actually hungry.

Ashley
Yes. You know, I was not doing that. I realized probably last week it must have been. I didn't not even hungry. Why do I keep going to a snack and I'm hungry. I don't even know what hunger feels like.

Claudine
For most of us, I had to recondition myself Yes, two years ago to learn what hunger actually felt like, because I honestly, I didn't even know anymore. I hadn't felt in so long. I never waited till I was hungry to eat. Right. I didn't even know what that felt like anymore.

Ashley
And that's got to be a lot of us right now, with this quarantine and all the restrictions out there. Right, you know, the social distancing. I mean, we're home. Yeah, all the time. And bored or stressed out and emotional is just, you know, like you said, we can tend to eat, because we're bored, tend to eat because we're upset. You know, it just gives us that little boost to feel good feelings. And just nom, nom, nom, right? ignore it.

Claudine
And what's crazy is when we overeat and, and make poor eating choices, I tend to be overweight, have high blood pressure, have heart disease, have diabetes, yeah, which are all underlying factors that actually make us even more susceptible to the COVID virus and to its detrimental effects. So there's a double, a double motivation to really focus on our health now, just as keep our immune system as strong as possible. And just to feel good through this trying time. Another factor, and you mentioned this briefly, but is hydration, drinking enough water. That's another thing, I have a really hard time doing that I forget. And I think I've shared this before. I know with you personally, but I'm not sure. If I share on the podcast, I went through a period where I was having a really tough day, I was feeling depressed my head felt that in a long time. And then I had a large glass of water. And I'm telling you 20 minutes later, my mood was completely improved. I was totally dehydrated, I just didn't even realize it. And I'm making a more conscious effort now to drink plenty of water, because that's important too, if we really want to keep our health up just drinking plenty of water.

Ashley
Yeah, and one of the things that I can fall into, as well as drinking more coffee, and even more alcohol in the afternoon, especially being summertime is Oh, it'd be nice to have a nice glass of wine. But I would have coffee after coffee after coffee in the morning. And part of that too. It just gave me that feel good. That feel good feelings, right? Because it was something I look forward to. And I mean, gonna say it's like this pandemic. And like, man, my day is kind of boring and monotonous. And I just clean, clean, clean all day. So it was like the highlight of my day. And then come afternoon, oh, a glass of wine or two was a highlight of my day. And, and I would look forward to that. I wouldn't drink enough water because water is not a highlight of my day.

Claudine
Right? And most density, both caffeine and alcohol are dehydrators. Rob your body of water?

Ashley
Yeah, yeah. So that really, it's but we have to become aware it's so easy, just to not even be aware of those little choices. We're doing right. You know, I mean, wow, I drank three or four cups of coffee today. And I didn't have any water. Maybe one cup and then afternoon hit was hot. 100 degrees out. So I had a nice chilled glass of wine and then wait, I don't think I have water the rest of the day. And then maybe that's the next day. And then the next day and the next day, you know, pretty soon Monday through Friday. That's my habit. That's what I've conditioned myself to do. And it's very easy for us to completely disregard water.

Claudine
Yeah, it is.

Ashley
I'm a big proponent of water even me to flavor it a little essence flavor it so it tastes good. Just get your water intake.

Claudine
That's what I do. And that's what changed for me is I started flavoring my water. Yeah, that was a big, big difference.

Ashley
For me. It's sparkling water. Yeah, so I can make sure and also just a little tip for all you ladies out there. It also helps curb your appetite. Oh, that was my trick when I would go grocery shopping because you know cost goes like 20-25 minutes away and Trader Joe's and I would go out there and I'd be hungry. Right? Because it's a two and a half hour excursion for me. And rather than buying something junky or snacking on chips on the way home, I would bring a can of sparkling water. And that when I got back in my car after shopping, I would drink that on my way home and it helps curb the appetite. It must have been just the carbonation.

Claudine
A lot of times people think they're hungry when they're actually dehydrated.

Ashley
Yeah, well, that's also when I wasn't really eating breakfast. So I'm pretty certain I was hungry.

Claudine
You're hungry. We know what that feel.

Ashley
And that's another thing when we make a plan for how we eat throughout the day, we're going to be more successful. I would go through and like the morning I would just have several cups of coffee. And then about 10 o'clock I'd start feeling hungry because you know, coffee can kind of curb that appetite too and hold it off for a little while and then by 10 o'clock I'd get hungry and when I get hungry, I feel nauseous. So I was like I need to eat something right now or I'm gonna throw up probably sorry. That's a little TMI, but What would I do, I would grab something quick and easy. Well, I wouldn't make the healthiest choice even then. And so I had to practice creating that new habit, as we talked about last week, is I need to wake up, I need to have breakfast, and I would have a cup of coffee. That's usually my first go to, if I wanted another cup of coffee, have a glass of water, have a glass of water in between that next cup of coffee, and then have breakfast. Don't just keep filling up on coffee, because that's just not going to set you up well for the day. So that we need that energy. You know that fuel from food?

Yeah, good food. Yes, absolutely. And lastly, another way to take care of our physical health, it's through our sleep. Oh, yes, I was sharing with you. I've been sleeping more than ever. And I don't know if I'm actually super tired. Or it's these blackout curtains where I'm staying right? I'm not sure what it is. But it's kind of messing up my day. But sleep making sure we get plenty of sleep. I don't know that that's a problem for too many people. I mean, we're all home more than ever. So see Michael running around. It's like people are out late at night, going to the bars or the movie theaters, because everything shut down. But sleep is super important. It's the time when we regenerate when our cells can rebuild and renew. It's also studies have shown that, like you said earlier, a cognitive function is vastly improved not only by by exercise, but by sleep. So we really need that sleep, not only for our bodies, but for our brains.

I slept in this last Saturday morning, my husband woke me up and he's like patting my foot. You know, at the end of the bed. We got wake up. And so I wake up. He's like, it's 10 o'clock, babe. Wow, why are you waking me up? I'm enjoying this. But it was three he had a cup of coffee. But yeah, I remember I was pregnant too, with my kids. And I would sleep for 10 hours. And he's like, I think that I think you're sleeping too much, babe. I think now this is exactly what I need to endure. But too much sleep is even, you know, detrimental on our health as too little sleep.

Claudine
Well, too much sleep can be a sign of depression. Yeah. So you have to be careful.

Ashley
Yeah, you know, I definitely had those moments too.

Yes, I did sleep 10 to 12 hours during my phase where I was really struggling with depression. Mm hmm. But now I typically am seven or eight. But these last two weeks. Yeah. But we've been traveling a lot. It's hot. Yeah, we've got a lot of transitions going on. So it kind of makes sense in my bodies.

Well, and that's why it's really important. Because especially like you said, you want to try and get up early, you know, to start your day. Well, it's good to get to bed a little bit early. And it's not easy. I mean, we get teased by my brother, like you're quite bad at 8:30, 9 o'clock? It's like, dude, I have a little toddler and she doesn't stop like I need to sleep, sleep, sleep and keep up with her. But sleep is very important to our mental health, our emotional health, our physical health, and just making sure not to get too little not to get too much, you know, a good balance, but also it's good to have a routine. Yes.

Claudine
Yes, it is. And, and again, establishing good habits. We talked about that last week. But really for our physical health, we really need to develop good habits and it takes work and it can be uncomfortable for a time. But we have to push through and eventually those neural pathways will be formed and we'll be on the road to success with our health. I know I plan on staying here a long time. I want to be here as long as I can in good health to enjoy my children, my grandchildren and hopefully one day my great grandchildren. But I know how important it is to take care of my physical health and my mental health of course, today we're talking about our physical health, especially during this time.

Ashley
All right, everybody, thank you so much for tuning back in with us today here on the rise up and shine podcast. Please feel free to visit our websites for free resources on any of our topics we discussed on here and you can find Claudine over at claudinesweeney.com and you can find Ashley over at mindoverchaos.com. So thank you again and we will look forward to next week.

Friends Thank You so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.

Episode #39

Many times we try to change a habit or we may try to create a new habit but it can become a daunting task. Oftentimes we give up because it gets too hard and we can feel like it's impossible. There is a reason for that. So many of us try to break an unhealthy habit or create a new healthy one but we fall short because we don't realize there is an underlying belief that stops us in our tracks. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our brains that cause us to not achieve this goal and what we can do about it so we can change those habits we want to change or so we can create those new healthy habits we desire.



Ashley
Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope, insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Today, we're going to talk about habits, which are those automatic behaviors that are wired into our brains through repetition. We all have them, good ones, bad ones and everything in between. And today, we're going to talk about the beliefs behind them when we want to change or create a new habit.

Ashley
Because really, a lot of these habits go unnoticed. They are so ingrained in our brains really what we're talking about, we're not talking about some of those habits, like waking up first thing in the morning and go grab your coffee, you know, that might be an awesome habit. I know. I love that habit for my morning routine. But today, we're going to be focusing more on habits that we may want to change or even creating new habits, right, and how to go about that.

Claudine
Yeah, we all have habits. I mean, we've all driven somewhere that we go to often like work or school or church, and we get there and all of a sudden, we realize we weren't even paying attention. We were just on autopilot. Because we've driven that route. So many times, it's just become a habit. That one's not so great. I mean, we do want to be alert and conscious when we're driving. But we've all done that where we get there. And we're like, wow, how did I get here? That was a habit.

Ashley
Yeah. Isn't that scary? Sometimes when that happens?

Claudine
Yes it is.

Ashley
Whoa, whoa, I like blanked out for a minute. That was so weird.

Claudine
When I think we've talked about habits on a previous podcast. And I know that we've talked about habits are formed through a cue, which is a trigger, then there's a routine or the behavior we do and then the reward. Some of our less than helpful habits include, like biting your nails, that's one of mine, when I feel the trigger of stress, right, I get into the behavior of biting my nails and the reward is it calms me down, that's not necessarily a habit I want to keep doing. So I would need to change the behavior, the cue is going to be the same. I'm going to feel stress in this lifetime. So I have to find a new habit a new behavior in between, that gives me essentially the same reward something that gives me peace that calms me down. But it's not necessarily detrimental to the look of my nails.

Ashley
You know, to be honest, a little personal information about me is that's why I don't paint my fingernails. Because I pick up my fingernails and my nails also chip too. It could be genetic, or it could be stressing, so I just don't even paint my nails anymore.

Claudine
That's funny. I didn't know that. You know, it's funny is when I do paint mine that keeps me from biting them because there's this but Oh, and it's thick and heavy. In fact, when I was getting consistent manicures, that was one way I actually...

Ashley
Curb that habit of yours?

Claudine
That's the word curb that a habit.

Ashley
A little costly, though, huh?

Claudine
Now they're, you know, all the salons are closed down. So unless I want to do it myself, which, you know, I can do the left hand really good. But I somehow Can I know, I know the right hand really good. Anyway, the brain, you know, we have habits because the brain chunks together these behaviors, right, and the neurons fire and they fire at the beginning at the end. And they kind of chunk these behaviors and they signal the beginning and the end of that, that behavior. And that's why sometimes it becomes so habitual our habits are habitual, because they're chunked together in our brains. And our brain goes, Okay, A, and takes us all the way through Z. We don't even have to think about it. We're not even conscious about it. And so today, we're going to talk about the beliefs of why we want to change and create new habits, and how that we can do that.

Ashley
Oh, totally. And then also, I was thinking sometimes it's important to remember that we may know some of the habits that we have, and they may not necessarily be great habits, but we just kind of carry on with life. And we don't realize that sometimes these habits though, they could even be neutral, it still determines our life and our lifestyle. And you know, I think many of us know and can relate to that saying, right? It's like, well, I'm a stress cleaner, you know, hi, I know I've said that and sometimes it's like I wouldn't I will welcome the stress a little bit like if I have an argument with my husband and he takes the kids out on a on a bike ride and Oh, great. I can clean because I'm stressed out or I'm a stress eater or I'm a stress TV binge or if that's even a word we can we make it a word I think it's the word I'll say it TV watcher TV bencher, which is me also, but and we know these things about it about ourselves, but we don't always stop to realize like, what is this actually doing for me? Like, how is this actually helping me and I know in the moment it feels good. I mean, that was my excuse. I'm resting quote, unquote,

I'm resting I'm really tired.

Claudine
Well, that's the reward. If there's no reward we wouldn't be doing it. And since the name of our podcast is rise up and shine, we thought today would be a great time to look at, look at those habits that are not not serving us. They're not serving us or not enabling us to rise up in shine actually keep keeping us down. And we all have those,

Ashley
And literally, sometimes keeping us down on the couch all day.

Claudine
Yeah, we both been there. So there, we like to watch TV all day. Right? I know, I've been there. And there are things that we can do that help us overcome. And that's what we want to talk about.

Ashley
Right. And then we want to start with really reiterating that it goes into our beliefs, we need to peel back some of these layers of why we do the things we do. Because there's a thought there before that behavior comes about, it can be a habit, it could even be a coping, you know, a coping mechanism for us is a huge example of a habit. And what do we do, as you said, when a cue happens when there's some sort of a trigger? In our day, what do we act upon? You know, what do we do? What behavior do we do? And then that's gonna give us a certain outcome, obviously, right? I mean, A plus B equals C. But when we peel back a little bit further, and we really address Well, what's the thought going behind why I'm doing this behavior, then that's where there could be real change. Because if we don't change that belief behind this habit, it's not going to change. And that's where many of us can fall short. And I hesitate to say the word fail, but fall short of certain goals we have or habits that we're wanting to change or habits that we're wanting to create even new habits, we fall short of reaching those, because we don't address the belief behind it. And that's where this episode is going to be really helpful to our listeners. And we still live this every day, right? We're always trying to be conscious of why am I doing what I'm doing? And that's what we want to address.

Claudine
Yeah, I know you and I were talking earlier before we started recording that one new habit that I really want to start is exercise and I think through the last few months with everything being shut down. My belief has been as soon as this changes as soon as the bar environment changes, then I'll start Yeah, habit, right. Yep, I'll start exercising, I'll start going to the gym. Everything's been closed down. And there are alternatives but that's been my belief. And again, I thought this was gonna last two or three weeks, maybe two or three months and now here we are on. I don't know what are we on month five.

Ashley
I lost countto be honest.

Claudine
We stopped counting together

Ashley
To our ideas? Is it the end of the year yet?

Claudine
I know right? We're gonna have to the holidays are coming in the next few months. That's how we'll know what time it is.

Ashley
We're counting down in our family. We really are. Something to look forward to.

Claudine
We were out to the store the other day and believe it or not, Christmas stuff is out. It's July and Christmas stuff was out. It was shocking.

Ashley
But you know, don't you think just side note here. Don't you think that we all could use a little pick me up right with what's going on in the world. So maybe that's a good thing bringing a little Christmas in July?

Claudine
I'm not sure. I start thinking about Christmas in July. But anyway, where were we?

Ashley
Yeah. Exercise. Yeah.

Claudine
I know for me, I need to change that belief that I can make it happen now. And there are things I can do. Obviously, I can walk I can do some exercises, just madness exercises on the floor. That I know that my mindset thinking oh, I'll just wait till this is over. And I don't think I'm the only one I know. There are many people out there that are saying, When this is over, I'm gonna start going back to the gym. And I know the on the flip side of that too. There's a lot of people gained the COVID-19 Oh, yeah. Yeah, everywhere.

Ashley
I'll point the finger to myself.

Claudine
The new habit is we just eat, we're home. So we just eat a lot. Right? So...

Ashley
And we can eat out of boredom. That is another habit. It may not even be stress. It could be boredom.

Claudine
Yeah, I'm bored. So I eat and I feel rewarded. Right? easy simple. But then the problem is long term that is not effective because long term our size is growing then we're gonna have to buy new clothes but can't really go out and buy new clothes right now. So it's just a vicious circle.

Ashley
It does something to the self esteem when you have to go out and buy bigger clothes, bigger sizes.

Claudine
Yeah, lot of bad habits and a lot of mindset behind it. Oh, yeah. You know, and that's what I've been doing. It's like well, when this is over then and we talked about that I think Yeah, last couple episodes the if then the win then mentality and you're right. And so for me, I know I need to exercise. My belief is it's good for me at my age I need to be consistent. It's good for me not only my bones and my overall well being But even just dealing with the stress and the change of routine because of our current environment, right, so I have that belief, but somehow I lose it between the belief and the actual behavior. So help me out Ashley.

Ashley
Oh, yes. Can I can I help

Claudine
Help me with that?

Ashley
Well, because this was my MO most of my life is I did things because I either felt like it, or I didn't do something because I didn't feel like it.

Claudine
Right.

Ashley
So it's our emotions. And it's how are we feeling in the moment, I am a free spirit. So it's also kind of just in my genetic makeup, right? I just go with the flow. And I do whatever I feel like in the moment, and, and there's a positive side of that. But there can also be a trap. And I lived that way I just lived in What? I don't feel like doing that right now. I don't feel like doing this. And it didn't really affect me until I was married. And then it started affecting my husband and now having kids and it affects my kids and said, Oh, okay, maybe this is a habit, I need to change. Really, it did affect me in all honesty, but not to the extent where I needed to change, you know, I was comfortable living that way. But when it started affecting other people in my family, my own relationships, then I knew, okay, something needs to change, because that is that's not fair. And really, to my own well, being, you know, I wanted more for my life. I wanted to feel more and experience more and just feel better. You know, I just wanted to feel better. And I was very lazy. I just had habits that would cause me to be lazy. That was my behavior. Like I said, quote, unquote, resting. I just watch TV and eat chips all day. And do I love it? Yeah, I love it. But do I like the greater outcome, right? that result in the long run? Or that big picture? It's important to keep that big picture in mind like, okay, in the moment, it felt great. But no, I really don't enjoy my pants feeling more snug, or I don't like seeing the number on the scale. So in order to change that habit, because I got to the point where, okay, I was ready to change this. It was because I saw that picture. Like I want this outcome. I want this result for my life instead of what I was doing before, you know, because yes, maybe I felt good in the moment. It's that instant gratification. I mean, our brain thrives off of that. But it wasn't what was best for me. It wasn't what was best for my family. And it gave me the motivation to change it. I'm not going to do that anymore. You know it? Was that Why? And that's another thing that we wanted to address, too. It's very important to know why do we want to change a certain habit? And why do we want to create a new habit is very important, because there's going to be times where it's hard, because it goes against our brains, wiring that I have conditioned for ourselves over many, many years of repeating this specific habit, or lack thereof, right? Lack of exercising yet for you, right? So it's important to remember that, in order to be able to change a habit, create a new habit, it's going to be hard. And we need to keep that in mind to help us motivated to keep going and not give up.

Claudine
Yes, absolutely. that's step number one, when it comes time to change or create a habit is identifying the habit you want to change. I mean, that seems pretty obvious. But honestly, being able to even address it like I need to, for me, I need to start exercising is a new habit I want to create. And on the flip side of that I need to stop over eating is another one we're staying with friends right now. And I have been over eating because it's there. It's not like it's going away, right? It's just there. I'm like, I'm just gonna keep eating because it's here, I'm not even hungry. And I know I'm not the only one that over eats and eats beyond their higher level. So those are those are two habits, one that I want to change and one that I want to start I want to create. And so identifying those being really clear about it and why my motivation? My why, of course is my health. Yeah, and my age, I really need to start taking care of my health more so than I did in my 20s and 30s. It's just as a fact. And so that's my Why am I motivation, I want to be here a long time to see my grandchildren and see them. Who knows maybe have children of their own great grandchildren. One can dream. So for me my motivation, my Why is health. I do believe it's important to take care of your body. And that's just a belief I have and so it's not going to take care of me If I don't take care of it. So that's my belief.

Ashley
Isn't that too bad?

Claudine
I wish it would but it isn't.

Ashley
I wish it was easier than it was. But you know just what you were saying is you have this dream, right? You have a dream like it would be great to see your grandchildren have children and you have a Certain goal in mind is like if we keep that that helps us motivated and that's what I was talking about the big picture we need to keep that big picture in mind. And I mean really we have two choices and this is one practical that is really helped me get off my lazy bum is I would ask myself, Well, why not? Why not do because I had a habit of procrastinating too and especially being a stay at home mom.