Self Love

Episode #14

Are you last on your list of priorities? Maybe you self sacrifice to make sure everyone else around you is taken care of first. How is that working for you? We’ll tell you a little secret. The way to GIVE your best and BE your best is to fill your cup first. In this episode, we bust the myth that self love is selfish and discuss the four key areas we need to nurture within ourselves first in order to overflow with joy and love.


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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Ashley
Welcome to rise up and shine. We are two women at different stages of life who have overcome feeling stuck, and are now living life fully with peace and joy. Join Us Weekly for a real raw and faithful conversation about our trials and triumphs, bringing hope insight and weekly tips that you too can rise up and let your light shine bright.

Claudine
Happy Valentine’s week. This is my favorite holiday of the year. Anybody who knows me well knows this. And I love Valentine’s Day. It was always a fun holiday for me with my kids. I would make pink mashed potatoes heartshaped meatloaves, heartshaped, toasts, you name it, if it could be made in the shape of a heart or made pink or red it was and I love this time to express my love for my family for my kids and my husband and my friends even. So today we are going to talk about love, but we’re going to talk about self love.

Ashley
So can I ask you a quick question? Claudine are going to make me a pink cake?

Claudine
I could make you a pink cake. Is that what you’d like?

Ashley
Yeah, sure, I would just love to see what you do for Valentine’s Day.

Claudine
Well, I really like to get my heart shaped cookie cutters out. And that’s what I used to make beats in my salad in the shape of a heart. You can cut a pineapple.

Ashley
That’s what you do for yourself for Valentine’s Day.

Claudine
Not for myself for my family. Yes.

Ashley
Heart Shaped beats for family? Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Claudine
And then I would cut slices of pineapple into heart shape. And brownies and heart shaped everything.

Ashley
Your love fanatic. Huh?

Claudine
I’m a heart shape fanatic. Yes, I love love. What can I say?

Ashley
Ah, well, that’s great.

Claudine
But one thing I am learning and have learned over these last few years is how to love myself. And that’s what we’re talking about today. Because I was not good at that for many, many years. I was great at loving others, but not loving myself.

Ashley
Absolutely. Self love is one of those things where, you know, you just almost can have this stigma to it. You know, I mean, you think like, Wow, well, that seems kind of selfish, you know, writing with the word self. In it really, it’s like, well, that’s kind of selfish or a little self absorbed. But really, when we break it down self love just is self care. You know, and self care is not selfish. But self care is so important for us. Because if we want to love others, if we want to love our family, if we want to love our spouses or love our friends, we need to make sure that we’re coming from a place where we are filling our own tank as well. That’s right, we can give our best, you know, to those around us. And that’s what I’ve learned personally, is that I’m not giving my best to my family, if I’m depleted, you know, if I’m not caring for mice, exactly. And that really, it’s it’s an act of love to care for others. And it’s an act of love to care for ourselves.

Claudine
That’s right. And like you I thought for many, many, many years that taking care of myself or self love was really selfish. And so I pushed myself to the very bottom of the pile like many, many moms, I’m not the only one, I think that’s a common struggle for a lot of us wives and mothers is we’re at the bottom, you know, we’ll take care of our husbands and our children first. And then if there’s anything leftover ourselves, and that is what happened to me. And I’ve shared that before, but I ended up having some real physical challenges because I was so depleted physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, in every level, and my body just couldn’t do it anymore, right? And then I was good for nobody, absolutely, I couldn’t take care of anyone, I couldn’t even take care of myself at that point. And I really did have to learn how to do some self care physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and if I could take care of myself, then I could take care of others in an even greater way.

Ashley
Yeah, that’s so true. I mean, self care. I mean, when you think about it, it’s when we’re caring for others, you know, say our children, when we’re caring for our children, it’s, it is an act of love, like the greater good, right? Like we are, it’s our act of love to make sure their hygiene is up to par, I know make sure that they’re taking care of their bodies, their showering, their you know, their basic needs, even just eating right, you know, getting about balanced diet, and just loving them and just spending time with them even and just meeting all of their needs. But for whatever reason we do we forget it. We forget to do those things for ourself. You know, because it’s, there’s just this balance that’s out of whack. You know, it’s just yeah, it’s not, oh, oh, let’s give everything to everybody else. And we get nothing. But it’s like counterintuitive, you know, it’s like, well, if we care for ourself, then we’ll have more UI to be able to give and to show up better for our families.

Claudine
That’s right. Yeah. And it’s really hard to run around and doo doo doo doo for others. And then there’s nothing left for ourselves, right, get physically sick. We’ll get burned out. I mean, I don’t think I’m the only one that’s ever suffered from burnout again, then I’m good for nothing at that point. And so it was learning some tools and some tips and making time for myself for self care. And just to clarify, self care isn’t just all about me, it’s not well let let everyone revolve their lives around me, it was just taking out some time, just to sit with myself, like we talked about last week, right? Sitting with myself, getting to know myself listening to myself, just intuitively hearing and seeing what do I need now to be my best, so I can give my best.

Ashley
And you just hit the nail on the head? What do I need, you know, we just we can completely ignore our needs, because we’re focused on others needs, right? And it is, it’s so easy to get burned out and discouraged and just feel so depleted, you know, just feeling fatigued. I mean, you name it, like I was there to like, I was the self sacrificer. Right. So I do everything for everybody else. And I’m, I do nothing for myself. And I was perfectly happy living that way. Well, I take it back. I wasn’t necessarily happy, right. But it was I was comfortable. And I willing, you know, to live that way. But I realized that with the self sacrificing, even sometimes with certain relationships, I did serve others. And I did sacrifice for others. And sometimes it was more out of a place of fear and not right. Like it was more I have a fear of not being liked, you know, or a fear of upsetting this person. So I’m going to do doo doo, you know, so I like gain their approval, in a sense, I mean, but even just with an I could do that with my family too. And finer is a big one, I do a nice dinner, because I want to get that nice, oh, this is delicious, and make everybody happy. And you know, even though it’s a really challenging time of the day and stressful for me, but there’s certain areas in my life that I really realized that you know what, like, I’m, I am just not in a good place. Like, I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed, frustrated, I’m, you know, and that’s what I’m giving my family, you know, I mean, and so when I started, okay, like, I need to take care of myself recognize what my needs are. Recognize when I’m at a place where perhaps I need to take a little break, you know, or be okay with taking a step away and taking a bath or you know, different little things. But it really just helped me get to such a healthier place. So I can show up well, for others, you know, and I’m not coming from a depleted righties place anymore.

Claudine
Yeah, that’s great. And I think we mentioned it, but there are four areas to really take care of ourselves, physically, you know, our bodies, we really need to take care of ourselves, we need to take care of what we eat, we need to take care of our sleep, we need to take care of moving our bodies and exercising, you know, probably my least favorite one to really work on. But I do like to walk. But those are important because our bodies are the temples of our soul. And how do we care for it? If we really love ourselves, we’ll take care of our bodies. So self love isn’t eating a dozen chocolate chip cookies, or a whole gallon of ice cream, even though in the moment that feels really good. And it feels loving. It really isn’t because it’s not doing us any good.

Ashley
Yeah. And it’s like what you said, you know, our need, right? Oh, we don’t need a whole bunch of ice cream. We don’t need a whole bunch of chocolate chip cookies, we want them right, because it gives us this kind of feel good moment, you know, briefly. But that’s not what we need. It’s not the overall.

Claudine
And I’m glad you made that point. The self love self care is really about our needs, what we truly need, not what we want. Absolutely, and other areas emotionally. And you and I have talked a lot about this. But as women, we can be so hard on ourselves, there’s, we can treat ourselves with such a lack of compassion. With such a lack of forgiveness, we can be really hard on ourselves. We can struggle with depression and anxiety and overwhelm. And those are the things if we really love ourselves, we’ll get to the root, we’ll get some health and healing in those areas so that emotionally, we can show up in a place of love and peace and joy, and not stressed, depressed and overwhelmed.

Ashley
Yeah, very true. When I was going through my counseling, that’s something that she said to me, she’s like, it’s really important for you to start practicing self compassion. And I actually had to look it up. Right, I went home and I googled it self compassion. What does that mean? And it just what does that mean? Tell us, Ashley. We need to be forgiving of ourselves. We need to you know, be compassionate, like how do you show compassion towards someone? It’s like understanding and as I’m sorry, you’re going through that or it’s or you’re feeling those things and you’re struggling right now. But it’s, it’s acknowledging where we are and just accepting where we are and loving ourselves despite not being so hard on ourselves. You know, like we talked about last week in our episode, the mean girl inside you know, we can be so mean to ourselves by what we tell ourselves. And that’s the opposite of self compassion, right? We should not be telling ourselves those things. And also like, as you also mentioned last week, you know, you made a mistake with something. And your mind started kind of unraveling, like, Oh my gosh, like, you know, you were really hard on yourself for making a mistake, but self compassion would be to Okay, I made a mistake, I have to forgive myself as well, right? Oh, and let’s just try to do better or try something different for the next time.

Claudine
That’s right, that brings us right to mental health and really taking care of ourselves in our thoughts. And those thoughts that we allow to take residence in our minds can do a lot of damage, or they can do a lot of good self love, when it comes to our thoughts is really making a choice of what we’re going to allow to think really owning the thoughts that we allow in our heads and thoughts that will serve us and benefit us and not bring us down, cause us to feel worse, but really to cause us to feel better.

Ashley
Yeah, because then we’re just going to be stuck in shame. You, right, which is where I was because I I mean, I didn’t really pay much attention to what was going on in my head what I was telling myself, you know, and just even my emotions, I was basically living from such an emotional place, reactionary, right, like my emotions were just an automatic reaction to something going on. But I would think it was a result directly from a circumstance rather than wait, there’s a little in between step, you know, it’s right in between step in there that I need to give focus to and really pay attention and just really recognizing that whatever’s going on in my head. Is this serving me is is helping me is it beneficial? Is it true? like we talked about last week? Is it true? Is it noble, you know, all that stuff, like really just paying attention and like, just blowing away or getting rid of those harmful thoughts? You know, it’s okay. It’s, I mean, yeah, we, if our children, were saying those things out loud, or a good friend was saying those things out loud to themselves, we would No, no, like, you know, you’re so loud. We’re saying, yeah. And so we need to be kind of cheering ourselves on as well. And just like, No, no, let’s not be so mean to ourselves. Let’s not be so harsh, but really take care of our mental state, you know.

Claudine
That’s right. That’s huge. And lastly, although it should be, firstly, is our spiritual well, being really showing ourselves self care and self love in this area. And for me, that involves reading my Bible, really letting those verses fill my mind with positive, loving, affirming, joyful, peace, giving thoughts, prayer, really connecting with God, my Creator, really building that relationship where I feel like we’re on on a team together. It’s not just me on this crazy Big Planet, but he and I are doing this together. He is my Lord you through it, right? But he’s walking with me, I’m not alone. And lastly, meditating, taking time of silence meditating on a key scripture or key point and really letting it soak into my heart and believe it and believe it, and we don’t just recite it out of habit, necessarily, but really, consciously intend to believe it, as you’re saying it. And I think in meditation, where I really just meditate on that verse, then it sinks down into my heart. That’s where it starts to take root and become belief and become faith. And those things helped me in all the other areas of my life. I know for me, if I’m taking care of myself, spiritually, emotionally, mentally come right on the heels of that much easier. And then right when I’m emotionally and mentally feeling pretty good, then physically I’m more motivated to go out there and exercise. I’m more motivated to make healthy choices. I’m not eating because emotionally, that gallon of ice cream is really going to help me feel good for 30 minutes. Yeah, I mean, it really does. I really do feel good when I eat a lot of ice cream.

Ashley
Yeah, yeah. You did a little bit of that reward system.

Claudine
But anyway, Sugar Rush. Yeah. So we’re both learning. We both learned over the last few years to really take care of ourselves. So we can show up better for those that we love to show up better for those that we don’t know yet that we’re gonna love down the road.

Ashley
And also just even just to be filled with joy, you know, and yeah, it’s not always like, well, I need to get healthy so that way I could, you know, best serve you it’s, that’s a part of it, but it’s also huge to just, you know, like we were put here on this earth. God wants us to enjoy life. You know, even last week, I read through Ecclesiastes and I loved it because, you know, it’s all about you know, eat drink, be merry, like, you know, everything’s meaningless. Like when your day is up, you know, you’re, you don’t take anything with you, you know, like enjoy the days of your youth and that’s fine to just like, it is okay, to be happy and to enjoy life. Right? You know, that is a gift that God wants us to be able to live out. And I was thinking as you were talking earlier about the self care and like when I was going through my depression the last time each bout of my depression personally, like I would take something, okay, what helped me almost like a little tool? Okay, what would I think I did that helped me get out of it this time. And I just kind of had my little mental toolbox of different strategies that helped me and like you said, you know, filling our minds with truth and God’s word and positivity was huge. That was probably one of the contributing things. For me, especially this last time of getting out of my depression was I stopped listening to any other music or have anything because like I said, I have music all the time. I would just play sermons, I would play worship music, positive music, and I would listen to that stuff all day long driving in the car, doing dishes, laundry, just laying around in bed, whatever, like, I just was filling my mind with all that stuff. You know, that positive, right? And it was slowly getting me able to crawl out, you know, because I was essentially like, rewiring my brain from being in this shame pit. Yeah, to let’s crawl back out. Because now I’m Oh, yeah, like, you know, I love you know, God loves me, you know, and was just really encouraging me back to that place of, okay. God’s with me, you know, God loves me. I’m good. I’m good. You know, and just in a much, much better emotional state. You know, it was a huge.

Claudine
You know, reminds me I think that’s why Mary and Martha are in the Bible, because Martha was really busy. And she was an amazing servant. Right? She was the hospitality Queen, right. And at the same time, when Jesus came to visit, she was really busy. But her sister Mary, just went and sat at Jesus’s feet. And that really bothered her because she was really busy. She kind of struggled a little bit with the martyr complex. But yeah, we’ll call it the Martha complex, but she was busy serving and giving and meeting everyone else’s needs. But she didn’t take time to sit at Jesus’s feet and get filled up first. And it’s a great example powerful reminder to us. To really love ourselves is to really love God first. I for me, they’re like, you just share there’s no more powerful Philip, right? There’s nothing else that fuels me to feel love, joy and peace than that. Mm hmm. And because of God’s love for me, it really helped me to learn how to love myself, I didn’t understand what love was. Until I saw his his love for me. It took me quite a while to even accept it. A lot of us it’s really hard How could anyone really love me if they really knew me? Would they really love me but God showed me his love for me. And then I was able to start to learn to love myself and then eventually of course, learn to love others.

Ashley
Well when you really think about it, it’s perspective. It’s changing our perspective from looking at ourselves from our eyes, right looking at ourselves through God’s eyes. Yeah, you know, like what? How does God love us? What did God do for us? Like I mean, it’s all over the place you know, like right even look at the stars you know, look at the beautiful sunsets look at you know, I mean, all this stuff for us to be able to enjoy here on earth and we are part of his creation. Yeah, you know, I mean, I mean, he created these amazing beautiful scenery you know, the ocean he made the waves you know, the water come up to a certain point on the shore, and he like, set it like, this is how far you’re gonna go and the mountains like, I mean, all this stuff in nature. Sometimes we can forget to look at that and be like, okay, God, like we are over a beautiful sunset. Where were we just showing pictures with the driver? Yes, this picture of a sunset I got, oh, look at this picture of the sunset. What if we did that for each other? Like I you know, like, my friend Claudine, like, let me tell you all about her. Oh, she you know, but see this. Yeah, it is really changing the perspective and be like, you know, what, we are part of God’s creation. He we are His most prized, you know, creation. And so when we look at ourselves through his perspective, it’s like, Okay, then I’m allowed to think I’m, I’m pretty cool. Or I am okay. I can I can think nice things about myself, then obviously, we don’t go to the extreme and be like, totally prideful and righto. Just miss the word.

Claudine
And there’s a difference between being confident and being arrogant.

Ashley
Yes. arrogant. That’s the word I was thinking about.

Claudine
When I think about Psalm says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Yeah, you know, even talking right now. I am feeling so much more loving towards myself. I’m like,

Ashley
Look at how that happens. This works.

Claudine
You know, you’re right. We are awesome. And it’s true. We were in awe over the sunsets and the mountains and all it’s in nature and we forget to ooh and ah over one another and over ourselves again, not in an arrogant way right in a way that we are. We are God’s masterpiece. Yeah, we are fearfully and wonderfully made, all his works are wonderful. And we’re part of that. And I need to work on remembering that more and more often, I’ve definitely learned and grown heaps and bounds and self care and self love. But my gosh, what a great reminder now that we are these amazing masterpieces, and again, not to fill our heads with arrogance, or selfishness or self absorption, none of that, but in a way to walk through this journey with peace with confidence, freeing ourselves really to do the good work that have been prepared for us to do to really love others and even greater ways.

Ashley
Right and walk in that freedom, you know, and it really is freedom because when we live in that place of shame, and we’re just not caring for ourselves, we’re just completely, you know, either defeated or depleted, you know what I mean? I mean, both of those. So if we are living in that place, then it’s time to make some adjustments, right, and give ourselves the care and attention that we need in order to restore that healthy balance to ourselves. And so when we’re at our best, you know, like when we’re rested, our bodies are well nourished, right? I’m a big proponent of water, lots and lots of water, and rest and have some girl time, you know, like, go out with a friend just fill our cups. You know, we need to do that more often. We need to fill our cups and I heard this quote somewhere. It says you yourself as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and attention.

Claudine
That’s right. I love that point. And as we sign off for this week, and as I know, you’re all going to be sharing lots of love and attention on your family and friends. Remember to save a little bit of that love for yourself.

Ashley
Friends, thank you so much for tuning in with us today. We hope this episode has brought you one step closer to living the life you love. Until next time, remember the world needs who you were made to be.